When I grow up I want to be...

I remember as a child always wanting to do something with kids. I wanted to be a teacher, pediatric nurse, daycare owner, at one time I even envisioned having a place that helps teen moms. None of those happened, but I did become a mom which even though is a ton of work I love my job. I may go back to school to get a certificate for teacher assistant, but it is too late to become the teacher or nurse that I wanted to be. I also don't have the money to have my own daycare or create a loving supportive environment for teen moms.

 My oldest has been saying for a few years that she wants to be a teacher. She generally follows up with saying she will also be a hair stylist since she knows teachers don't make that much and she will need two jobs. Pretty sad that my 11 year old understands how little teachers are appreciated. Number two can't decide, but I have a feeling he has military or some sort of building/engineering in his future. Number 3 used to be a music conductor but is now thinking of being a scientist. My baby just wants to be a mom, she claims she will have 4 or 6 kids and she will live with me with her husband and kids. She decided that she would miss me too much to move away. Actually all my kids claim they will live with me forever.

So all of their dreams of the future are great and can change at any time. However why is it that when my little one claims proudly that all she wants to be is a mom I cringe? I immediately want to dismiss it and try to talk her into being a doctor, lawyer, president, teacher, gardener,  even a librarian. I don't though. I should be honored that she wants to be like me when she grows up, yet I want more for her. Which then makes me think about how I view my "job".

I love my kids and while I am not the greatest mom or wife, I try my hardest and I will fight for whatever they need. I don't get paid in money and some days I feel like I should just throw in the towel.  I worry that somehow I am fucking them up for life and not sure how to fix it. When I hear my friends talk about their jobs outside of caring for their kids, I worry that I am lacking as a woman. I don't have funny stories about my co workers to share. I spend my days talking to my littles and some days don't even know how to carry on a normal conversation with my husband. What I do during the day just does not seem important enough to share. Raising kids is one of the most important jobs anyone can have, yet why do I feel like I am setting a bad example to my children? I have already caught my kids making comments to me about how I don't have a job or even the question "what have you done all day?"when they were asked to do a chore. I am always sort of taken back when they make comments like that and attempt to answer without allowing my hurt feelings to get in the way. Thankfully my husband is my biggest supporter and will get on them for their ideas about what I do.

Even though I know what I am doing is super important, I feel inadequate to the rest of the world. When I am asked what my job is and I reply mom, I actually feel embarrassed as if I just admitted to staying in bed all day watching Gilmore girls. I am going to try my hardest not to get on myself about not being anyone besides just a "mom." In actuality, I am more than that, I am a caregiver, chauffeur, shoulder to cry on, Auntie, diaper changer, puke catcher, wife, laundress, cook, baker, and sometimes maid.

So when number 4 proudly announces that she wants to be me when she grows up, I will be proud and take it as a compliment that I must be doing something right.

Today is Unity Day 2013.

You might be wondering what Unity Day is. It is a day to prevent bullying. You can read about it here. 

Bullying is something that hits close to home for me. As a teenager I was bullied and in turn became very depressed and had a lot of anxiety. I missed more days than I can count of school because I was making myself physically ill. I dropped 25 pounds in a matter of weeks, I was a wreck. I was embarrassed about being bullied so I never told anyone what was happening. I may have mentioned it to a friend in passing, but never elaborated. Even after my mom got me to a counselor because she knew there was something bothering me, I didn't tell. I feared that if I told someone what was going on, it would make things worse. It was only two people who belittled me daily, but what if I told and their friends started in on me too? Bullying leaves scars that never fully go away. It destroys your self esteem and makes you doubt yourself. I still remember the names and faces of those kids. Hell, I even remember the teacher, class, and who I sat by. 

My son has been a victim of bullying himself. He had a friend who would be very mean to him and mutter mean things under his breath at him. He would later apologize, but it would start all over. I finally explained to him that this kid was not a friend. That a true friend does not treat you bad and make you feel bad about yourself. Thankfully he was able to distance himself from that kid and seems to have helped. I worry about him though because he is a perfect target for bullies. 

Last night my oldest who has been struggling with middle school informed us that she too is being bullied. I knew something was up because she was becoming a bit more withdrawn. I am so happy she had the courage to tell us instead of hiding like I did. However, she doesn't want the teachers to know for fear that they will call the kids out and it will get worse. What do you do in a situation like that? I want to fix it for her, but also want to honor her wishes. So I contacted the school's counselor to see if they could talk to her and give her some tips on dealing with it. I hope by the end of today she will have some sort of peace of mind. 

Watching my own kids go through bullying, sucks me right back to that classroom with those kids tormenting me. It is taking everything on me not to unleash my mama bear and got rip those kids apart. This might be one of the toughest things I have had to deal with as a parent yet. 

I am not one of "those" moms.

The one who get up at the ass crack of dawn to make their little angels a huge breakfast before they head of to school. The one who at drop off look as if they had just hit the beauty salon because their hair and make up is near perfect. The mom who packs their kids nothing but healthy food in their lunch bags. The mom who spends her days working out and cleaning her already immaculate house. The one who picks her kid up from school in her perfectly detailed car. The one who has every hour scheduled to do something,  the one whose kid does their chores without a complaint . The one who always seems to be put together and never complains.  The one who never yells at her child but just barely has to raise her voice to be heard.

The truth is that I am just me. I view it as an accomplishment if I get up five minutes before my kids in the morning. They get whatever frozen breakfast item or whatever cereal we have, yes even the sugar filled kind.  I am lucky if I run a hair brush through my hair before I drop them off at school. As for makeup, what is that? I might wear it to a wedding. My kids get a sandwich, chips, a cookie and some sort of fruit (sometimes) in their lunch. Yes, I give my kids chips for every lunch. *gasp* Unless of course the child decides to bring a bowl of cereal for lunch. I do try to send them a joke or fun fact in their lunch to read, however I am just happy if less than half of what I send comes home. My day is spent caring for a 4 year old and 2 year old tornadoes. Seriously, they way those two destroy my home is freaking amazing! After I drop the 4 year old off at school, it is nap time for the 2 year old. I guess I should use that time wisely. Sometimes I eat, usually for the first time that day and catch up on my shows I had to DVR from the night before because my kids were having World War III in my living room. I pick up some of the toys, but usually just leave them because I know as soon as my mini tornadoes are together again, shit will just get destroyed anyway. Working out to me is walking the kids the five blocks to their school. Hey, at least I burn some calories. My van looks as if we live in it and if the kids can get in and out without some piece of garbage falling out, I am stoked. Five kids, plus many hours shuttling them back and forth to places does not a clean van make. My windows are filthy and there is now rust around the door. The hours in my house are a free for all because mom is usually trying not to lose her shit. After school, we have a snack and do homework. Homework with #2 regularly involves crying and frustration, he is not fond of it either. Seriously, I had to YouTube how to figure out a freaking 4th grade math problem the other day! My kids bitch if I ask them to put their clothes in the hamper, heaven forbid chores get done without some sort of meltdown. I complain, a lot and I yell.

However, I am one of those moms whose loves her kids even if I don't always like them. I am the one who worries that her nine year old son will never know what it is like to have a true friend. I am the one who worries that her daughter will suffer from the same self esteem issues I still struggle with. I am the one who instead of worrying what my house looks like instead chooses to sit on the couch snuggling my kids and watching Lilo & Stitch for the umpteenth time because I know how fast it goes. I am the mom who looks forward to school starting. I am the mom who worries that I am a bad example for my kids because I never went to college and instead am "just" a mom. I am the mom who apologizes to her kids when I do lose my shit because after all I am human, I am the mom whose children know when I have a bad migraine to play quietly and actually get a long. I am the mom who likes to sing out loud and dance around the house with my kids because they think it is hilarious.  I am the one who instead of sitting out of the pool at a water park am actually in my bathing suit in front of strangers(yikes) hanging out with my kid.

Some of my friends are "those" moms or at least partially one. You know what, I envy them and secretly hate them all at the same time. (Kidding, you know you rock.)  I wish I had my shit together, but for me it just isn't going to happen. Maybe by the time I become a Grandma I will figure out it all.

So, my feelings have been hurt.

I haven't been blogging because I don't have a lot to say or I have so much I can't get it straight in my head. That being said, my feelings got hurt a while back and for some reason I just can't get over it. It was by a friend after my dad passed and I am sure it wasn't intentional, but in a way that makes it 100 times worse. I might feel better if this person didn't call or contact me in the days, weeks, even months following his passing because they weren't sure what to say, instead I believe in my heart it was more of a case of not really caring. My loss of someone who they knew I used to hate was just a teeny blip on their radar. Perhaps this person thought I was better off now that he was gone, I don't know and perhaps never will. I know we are told to forgive and in time I can but I will never forget. Right now the wound is still too fresh.

My advice if you don't want to lose true friend, when a friend loses someone reach out somehow, a call, email, text, hell even a facebook message just letting them know you are thinking and praying for them makes a world of difference. Do it sooner rather than later too because by the time months have passed and you have finally decided to call, it may be too late.

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.  ~William Blake,

I feel guilty.

I have a huge amount of guilt lately because I often still feel a deep ache from my mom being gone, but with my dad it isn't as painful. I mean she has been gone for 4 years and he has only been gone for just for 4 months. I think a lot has to do with the fact that my mom and I were so close that it was literally like losing a part of myself. Perhaps it was because the loss of my mom was quick and rather unexpected while with my dad we had 9 months to kind of prepare. Though you can never truly be prepared for losing a loved one no matter how much time you have. I am not saying that I don't miss him, because I really do, the 4th of July was a hard day for me and of course I was just a bitch that day. For the last 6 years or so my parents came with us to my in laws for the 4th for a barbecue. I remember the first 4th without mom it rained most of the day and I remember my Dad saying it was her crying because she couldn't be with us. I guess in a way I thought this year would perhaps rain but instead it was a beautiful day. I feel bad for the people who had to deal with me that day. lol I never did voice why I was in such a bad mood because it took a while for me to even wrap my head around why I was so angry.

Is it the middle of July already?!

This summer has been crazy busy. Right after school got out, we went on a two week vacation. We went to Disneyworld for a week then to a beautiful beach house in Hernando Beach, Florida. Our house was right on the Gulf of Mexico.  Let me tell, I took way too many pictures! Then again, can you really take too many pictures of a special vacation? I spent countless hours with my girls get signatures of every princess and even two fairies, along with all the traditional Disney characters. Even though Disney is quite the money sucking place, it was worth it to see my kids get so excited to see their favorite characters. We've been home a month now and they still talk about it daily. Our house in Hernando was just a great. We got to see lizards, dolphins, stingrays, fish, and even jellyfish. My kids were amazed to be able to look out the windows and watch s small dolphin pod swimming around and literally throwing fish up into the air using their tails. We also got to visit with my brother and his family who live in Florida. It was great being able to see them, in a happy setting and not because of death.

After we got back for Florida, Lauren started in summer school and I got my first taste of teaching at our church's summer religious education program. Even though at times they were exasperating, I really enjoyed myself. It was nice to get out and actually feel like I was doing something worthwhile. I finally could relax a bit now that both summer schools are over. That is as much relaxing as anyone with kids can. If you click on the pictures, they get bigger. :)

The guys went on a canoe ride and came across manatees. 

The water was so clear you could see the fish.

View of the Gulf from the back of the house.

I named this guy Larry the Lizard, he kept me company while I read. 

Jellyfish, toward the middle of the picture.

My advice, take pictures!

I'm sure you are wondering what I am talking about. As I was putting together picture collages with my nieces after my dad passed, I realized there weren't many pictures of him and I past the age of 5. Perhaps it was because I didn't want to take pictures or the cost of developing was too much or perhaps he didn't want his picture taken anymore. I then thought about how many pictures of me with my kids there are and there really aren't a lot. A lot of the time I am the one behind the camera or I hate the way I look so I refuse to take a picture. However I realize now that when my kids are older they won't care what I looked like in the pictures. They will perhaps see a picture of us and remember a fun time we shared together. Remember to take pictures of your kids with their grandparents too! The day after my dad passed Nick immediately asked me for a picture of him and Papa together. Thankfully, Alexander had snapped pictures with his little camera a few months before otherwise there would not have been any individual pictures of my dad with Nick. So the next time you are together and you are the one taking pictures, ask someone to snap a picture of you and your kids. I guarantee you won't regret capturing a memory to look back on.

“What I like about photographs is that they capture a moment that’s gone forever, impossible to reproduce.” ― Karl Lagerfeld

Mom, Me, & Dad

A great quote!

So I love quotes, you can ask any of my Facebook friends, I often post them.  Sometimes a quote can sum up your feelings more than a long paragraph. So I was on on of my favorite sites just checking on quotes and came across this one. One of my favorite sites.

 “Hearing him talk about his mother, about his intact family, makes my chest hurt for a second, like someone pierced it with a needle.” 
― Veronica Roth, Divergent

This quote sums up how I feel every time someone talks about their parents. I don't want people to stop talking to me about their parents, but it brings its own special pain. It is a pain that you can not understand until you have lost a parent. Sure I can still talk about mine, but it is all about things in the past. I will no longer talk about the goofy conversation I had with my mom or complain about my dad make stupid remarks about my cooking. All I have are memories both good and bad to cherish. 

The last couple of months have been rough around here. Not only did I lose my dad, but my husband lost one of his close friends a mere 10 days after my dad. She was a wonderful young woman and I am still in disbelief she is gone. She was a young woman who to me had a larger than life personality, she had her whole life ahead of her. We always ask why in times like this, why is it the young who are so full of life and potential seem to be taken from us so soon? I think in a way these people know somehow that their time on this Earth is limited more so than most people and they know they need to live everyday as if it their last. I will never forget her awesome smile that was always present on her face and her bubbly personality. 

The ache from missing my mom is present everyday and more so these last months. I long to be able to pick up the phone and talk to her about what is happening to share my worries with her. She had a way of giving advice and support without it being pushy.

My advice if you still have parents, cherish them. Even the days they are assholes and you want to never talk to them again. Remember too that they aren't only your parents, but people with their own issues. You may think you know everything going on with them, but you never can because no matter how old you are, your parents will try to protect you from the bad things. Once they are gone, that is it and you don't want to regret never forgiving them or trying to get to know them as a person. Life is too short, so call your dad, send your mom flowers just because, but please don't waste your time with them. 

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

When times get tough

you learn who your true friends are. I said before when my mom passed and I will say it again now. I learned who I can really lean on when things are at their worst. They are the people who often asked how my dad was even if I never brought up the subject of him. They are the ones who texted, called, or facebook messaged me after he passed just to say sorry or offer some support.  I was shocked and humbled at the show of support we have received from friends.  Just a simple call, text, or email was enough to show me the someone actually cared about what I was going through. I was also shocked at the people who I had assumed would be the ones for me that failed me. However life goes on and I realize that not everyone knows how to react in a situation like this. I just hope when they are in a similar situation that they realize how their behavior or lack of it can deeply wound a person. I am just happy for those who did show they cared and grateful that I have a great group of people behind me holding me up with their support.

“In times of grief and sorrow I will hold you and rock you and take your grief and make it my own. When you cry I cry and when you hurt I hurt. And together we will try to hold back the floods to tears and despair and make it through the potholed street of life” ~Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

Reunited again

 Four years, one month and one day after my Mom passed away, my Dad followed her.  He never stopped missing her and gave up his will to live when we lost her. I think for him his cancer diagnosis was almost a relief because he realized it wouldn't be long before he saw her again. My Dad and I had a complicated relationship to say the least. As a kid I really disliked him as an adult I learned to accept him for the way he was and eventually totally loved him. His final moments are something I will never forget and I keep going over them in my head. Should I have stayed right next to him, was it wrong I was sitting away from him watching tv? He was sleeping finally after almost three days so I didn't think he would have passed so fast. My father had a lot of fear those last couple of days. I am sure anyone who is facing death would be fearful of the unknown. The thing that gives me solace is knowing my mom was waiting for him. He told me he could hear her calling for him to come now. He asked me if it was mean for him to want to go with her instead of stay with us and I assured him it wasn't. A joker to the end, as I sat next to him crying, he gave me a hug and told me he loved me then he proceeded to grab my nose and pretend like his thumb was my nose between his fingers. A little after that when my brother arrived, he was sitting in his bed making faces at me. That was my dad, always getting someone to laugh, the perpetual clown. I will miss him more than I thought possible. Where my days were filled with thoughts of him or being with him, there is now an empty void.

Answering questions

So things have been in sort of a holding pattern with dad. He is on palliative care for now, but I think we may be moving him to hospice soon. I really appreciate people asking me about him and myself, but there are days when I am just so tired of talking about it. Lately when someone asks how he is, I reply "he's alive." I think they get a bit annoyed, but in reality people do not want to hear the truth. They don't want to know that he is dying a slow agonizing death. That he rarely has an appetite and when he does eat,  he often chokes on the food because the cancer is slowly closing his esophagus. They don't want to know that he is choosing not to have a feeding tube put in place so all we have left to do is to watch him starve to death, he's lost 6 pounds in a month and I am sure there is more to come. He is now a shell of the man he used to be and hates the fact that he has to be a burden to us.(We do not feel he is a burden, that is his own thoughts.)  He is often confused and at times am not sure who I am or where he is. He is sick of living and wants to die. So that is how he is.

When I am asked how I am, I never really know what to say because people don't really like to know the ugly truth. The truth is that I am scared to death. I am stretched to the limit and it takes all I have to hold it together. I am so thankful for my kids and niece during the day because without them to care for I would fall apart. I don't want to lose my dad even if he tends to be a crazy, cranky old man. You never know how important your parents are until you have lost one. I pray every day that he goes quickly and peacefully yet I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because I am basically praying for his death. I don't want to watch him die, but I will also not allow him to do it alone. He misses me when I am not there and I have come to need that time with him as much as he needs me to be there. I feel guilt because I don't have the time, home, or resources to care for him. I feel bad when I can't make it by him for a day or two. I feel like a horrible parent and wife because everything in my life is lacking in some way. So when asked how I am, I say fine because otherwise I will completely fall apart.

Finally Validated

I finally feel validated for all my worries and suspicions concerning Nick. At his last doctor's appointment, the psychiatrist finally admitted that she believes he is on the Autism spectrum and is sending him for further testing and an official diagnosis! While in my head I was yelling "Well, DUH!" My heart was hurting a bit because everything I have thought about him was true and I wasn't just being an over analyzing parent. I knew there was something different about him when he was 19 months old and put his head through a bedroom door out of frustration. Did you notice that I didn't say I knew something was wrong with him? Because there is nothing wrong with my son, he is just a little different as we all are in our own way. As I told his doctor that Nick is just Nick and we will deal with whatever comes the same way we have been dealing with it. Today is World Autism Awareness Day so in honor of that day, I am posting a website so you can inform yourself more about Autism.
What is Autism?

I broke my son.

My beautiful, happy, fun loving little boy is broken and it is my fault. You see Alexander has always had a bit of anxiety. When you have an older brother with ADHD, ODD, sensory issues and possible Autism, you learn that life can be crazy and not always in a good way. Especially when that brother constantly threatens running away. Every time Nick would go into a fit as we call it, I would see Alex slowly inch his way to stand in front of the door in case this was the time Nick was really going to follow through. Well, it got better while Nick still has fits, he has stopped threatening running away. Alex is always worried about the dog running away because if she is off her leash she takes off, however she has always come back. The damn dog is afraid of her own shadow so she wouldn't get far. He has gotten better about that but you can see the effort it takes him not to panic when she goes by the door without a leash on. So here comes the part where I broke him. When I talked to my kids last month about my dad's health, I inadvertently added more anxiety to my baby. Ever since,  he has had extreme separation anxiety when it comes to me. He wouldn't even go on an outing with his Grandparents because I was not going and had made himself sick to his stomach. Now, it is rolling over to school and every morning he is sick to his stomach and close to tears. Yesterday afternoon he found out I would be gone all weekend and the poor guy was up all night with stomach pain because I won't be here. I kept him home from school thinking that perhaps it was a real stomachache, but an hour after the other kids were at school, he was perfectly fine. He ate breakfast with no issue and went back to annoying his sister. I called the school and got the ok to bring him in. As soon as he realized he was going to school, he had stomach pain, got extremely upset and cried all the way there. I offered to give him something of mine to keep in his pocket, but he said it would make him sadder. So like in the book The Kissing Hand, I gave his hand a big kiss and told him to squeeze it tight if he got upset and missed me. It took all the strength I had to make him go to school, but I know I wasn't doing anyone any favors by allowing him to give in to the anxiety and stay home. I am hoping that perhaps this weekend's trip will help with the anxiety when he sees me come home Sunday, maybe then he will realize the I am not going anywhere for a long time.

My family lost a special lady.

Last week my husband's Grandmother and my kids Great-Grandmother passed away, almost a month after a massive stroke. I remember her when I first met her 14 years ago, she was an energetic, nice, and very welcoming woman.  My own memories of a Grandmother involve nursing homes and her death. So to meet this amazing Grandma was a treat. She treated me as if I was one of her own and not just someone who married into the family. I got to make her a cake for her 80th birthday and I was so honored to be asked to do it. I remember at a different party she was asked if she wanted cake and before she would say yes or no, she asked who made it. As soon as she heard I had, she said she definitely wanted some and wouldn't have eaten it if I hadn't made it. It is the little things like that that only a Grandma can say or do that make you feel special. My kids loved having a Great Grandma and knew that they were extremely lucky to be blessed to have her. I know she loved seeing the kids, she always had a smile on her face while she watched them play. I tried to keep them quiet, but she made sure to let me know that they weren't bothering her. So on Saturday as we said our final good-byes to a woman who touched all of us, I couldn't help but remember how great she was. My kids will miss her but they think of her as another person hanging out with my Mom up in Heaven watching over all of us.

Thanks

I just wanted to thank everyone for your support during this difficult time. We are all coping as well as can be. Some days are good for me, some not so much. I told my kids last weekend what was happening. They were upset, but I felt they needed to be prepared. It was the first of two difficult conversations I will have about my dad to them.  I have been hanging out with my dad for a couple hours every night. Most of the time he watches TV while I crochet (my new hobby) or read. I know he just likes to have another person with him and doesn't need a running dialogue. He is in a rehab place right now, but will eventually be moved to my brother's home to be cared for until the end. We felt it was better for him to be surrounded by family than strangers in his last weeks or months. It is going to be hard for me though. He has been minutes from me for months now and soon he will be almost 1/2 hour away, which really isn't that far, but when you have four young kids, that hour traveling is a lot. If we could have him stay with us, I wouldn't hesitate. I am so used to being his care taker or keeper as I fondly refer to it, that it is going to be very hard for me to give up that control. Although I will get updates and have information about him, I will not know everything. However as I have said before our house is tiny and it is just not possible for him to stay here. He has come to terms with what will happen and although he has not given up on life just yet, he is accepting. To everyone who tells me to let them know if I need anything or if they can do anything, thanks. Although don't count on me calling or asking. I know, I know I should ask for help when it is needed, but I won't. That is just the person I am. However you can continue to pray for him and our family as we deal with this.

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown

When time is ticking away,

you can't help but wish it would slow down. He was told yesterday three months, maybe up to six. I've known this for a while in my heart and after speaking with the doctor the other day. In my gut I don't think he will make it to April, but he has surprised us so many times he will probably prove me wrong. :) He was pretty calm telling me this while I visited him last night. I already knew so I was able not to become a blubbering mess. I mean we are all going to die, it is just a fact of life, but now all of  a sudden I feel like there is this gigantic clock ticking away over our heads. He is ready even though he is scared. He wants to be with my mom and to feel better. I am spending as much time as I can with him without neglecting my family, although I can't say the same for my house. The house is the least of my worries right now and if anyone has an issue they can kiss my ass. No one can ever understand what I am dealing with unless they too have dealt with it and even then we all have different circumstances.

I am so thankful for my in laws who have been able to care for the kids at a moment's notice even though they are dealing with an ailing family member. I am thankful for my "computer" friends who have been an continuous source of support, for my real life friends who always ask if I am ok, how he is, or just being the person on the other end of the phone I can vent to. I am thankful for my amazing husband who held me up when I was losing my mom and is doing the same while I deal with this. He understands when sometimes I just don't want to talk because I am all talked out. Also for my family who help as much as they can. You really find out who your true friends are when you deal with something like this.

Today would have been my parent's 48th anniversary. They only have one picture of their wedding, thankfully it turned out good. ;)

My dad is dying.

There, I said it even though it is hard to utter those words out loud. It is amazing that I started this blog because of a shocking pregnancy and I needed an outlet to talk, then the death of my Mom, my own health issues and now my dad.

 He was diagnosed with Esophageal cancer in 2001, but after chemo and radiation he was doing well and was considered in remission for many years, until this past July.  It started with him having a hard time eating and throwing up. I brought him to the doctor to see if it was a recurrence which was what I thought. At first glance there was no tumor, but the doctor did a biopsy around the previous area to see. It came back positive. We also found out that he has a very small aneurysm in his aorta starting which can't be fixed because of where the cancer is. He opted not to do treatments this time around. He lost his will to live the day my Mom died. He ended up having a stent put in his lower esophagus because the cancer was closing his esophagus making it hard for him to eat or swallow.  In the meantime, we had to move him out of his house to a retirement type place because he just was not able to live by himself and he couldn't afford someone to live with him 24/7 to care for him. He seemed to be doing well, he made friends and was even going on some of the outings. However, his health started to nose dive again, he developed pneumonia and his congestive heart failure was irritated. We got that cleared up and he started having problems swallowing again which meant another stent had to be placed.  We did that and I ended up having to take him to the hospital for extreme weakness, he couldn't even sit up unassisted for more than a couple of minutes before he fell back. They found he was dehydrated and kept him to pump his fluids back up. He was doing better and was supposed to go home today, but the doctor called to tell me he got worse overnight and he was sending him for a ct scan of his head and back since he was unable to sit up again.

There is nothing I can do but be there for him. He is so tired of living in his body that is giving out on him. He cries and tells me he just wants to go to sleep and never wake up. What do you say to that? He is debating between hospice and something called palliative care which is basically the step before hospice. I want him to choose palliative care, but in the end it is his choice.

My dad and I had our differences when I was growing up, Hell you can even say I hated him, but I have learned long ago  to let go of that. He raised us the way he was raised, he didn't know any better. I am not saying I don't still suffer the scars from his hurtful words, but I am moving on. The thing that strikes me funny is how so many people including the doctors and nurses tell me what a great thing it is that I am taking care of him. I find this unbelievable. I am doing what needs to be done. I am fulfilling my promise I made to my Mom to take care of him and I will keep doing it until he dies. So I am asking all of you to please pray for him, that he finds the peace he deserves.

When it is time for me to die

I hope it is quick. As much as my Mom's death was quick and almost unexpected I have come to learn that it was for the best. Watching a love one die a slow agonizing death and not being able to do anything is horrible. I lose a little piece of myself everyday that I have to see him in pain.