Raising a Preteen girl is so emotional.

   Now that I have a 12 1/2 year old girl, I have a greater respect for what I put my mother through. My daughter is so much like me I cry because I can still feel those feelings I had back then. I suffered from extreme anxiety and eventually depression. I hated myself and thought no one liked me. I would go to school on Monday and hear about how all the people I thought were friends had hung out together without calling me, again. This cemented in my mind that I must really be the ugly loser I had thought I was. I started to stay in my room more and more. I lived vicariously through the world of books and movies. I wished I could be one of the popular, pretty girls in my school.  I never understood how they were so self confident in what is such an awkward stage in life. Eventually I learned that I had two types of friends, school friends and home friends. I had a good amount of friends that were at school, those were the girls I rarely had any contact without outside of school. My good friends were a small group, but I knew they were always there for me. Even though I knew they would have helped me or talked to me, I never did. I do know that old habits die hard. 

    I don't want my daughter to be like I was, I want her to love herself, no I just really want her to like herself. I want her to be able to brush off the fact that she is not getting invited to outings. I want her to be able to say screw it and set her own path. I am encouraging her as much as I can to call friends, but she never does. I keep telling her to fake until she makes it. It is my hope that if she keeps acting like she is beautiful and confident one day she will really see that she is. As her mother she will never believe when I tell her she is beautiful. 

      Dealing with these last turbulent months, I have desperately needed my mom. I need to know how she handled me when I cried because my friends had left me out again. I need to know what to say to my beautiful daughter who thinks she is the ugliest one of her friends. I need to know how to handle the fact that my daughter's friends are pushing her away for more outgoing girls. I need to tell her that I am so sorry for everything I put her through and thank her for her never-ending love and support. 

Wow, has it really been six months?

It is amazing how life catches you in its rip current and continues to pull you away from the shore. At least that is how it feels some days. So I have been busy these last six months, that is busier than any other mom. I am still taking care of my awesome niece and volunteering with my kids' school as often as I can. All four of my kids are in school full time and I am not ashamed to admit that I had a hard time that first day back. Thankfully my friends were nice enough to keep me busy. I swear just the other day I was taking my oldest to her first day of Kindergarten with both of us in tears and now she is in seventh grade. I remember in high school wishing time would speed up and now I would love for it to slow down just a little bit

 I lost my last Aunt this past month. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in March and we were told it would be weeks. However in true fashion to her, she went when she was damn well and ready and not a minute more. My Aunt Sis was a great, although stern at times woman. I had a few Aunts but she was the one I connected with the most. I got my gift of craftiness from her and the gift of baking. I also had her to thank for my boobs too. She was a great source of comfort after my mom and then father passed. I made sure to tell her every time I saw her that I loved her. If I learned anything from losing my parents it is to make sure to tell your loved ones you love them and do it often. The last time I saw her was a week before she passed. She had slept most of the time at that point, but woke up for a little but while I was there. She asked about the kids and we chatted a little bit. When I was leaving she told me she loved me and to drive safely.

I started school last month and sometimes think I am crazy. While I am enjoying it, I am always second guessing myself on things. I guess years and years of self doubt will do that to you. I am pursuing my certificate in Paraprofessional education. So in the end I will be a teacher's aid. i have always wanted to be a teacher but at my age I just think I am too old to go to school for that. I know I am not old, but for me I am. I just want to be able to work in the schools with kids without the added strew of lesson plans, parent teacher conferences, and the politics. My third is already freaking out about me going to work. I assured him it will be a few years before I get a job because I want to be able to go on field trips and help at class parties for my youngest like I did with the rest of my kids. I never thought of myself as old until I sat in a class with a bunch of nineteen year old giggling girls that my teacher has to constantly shush. The spent a good part of one of the classes talking all about the One Direction concert they went to. Really? My twelve year old doesn't even like them.

I can't eat Corned Beef & Cabbage anymore.

I haven't been able to eat this St. Patrick's Day staple in about five years. Ever since my mom died almost five years ago now, the thought of eating it makes me sick to my stomach. We ate it every year  on St. Patrick's Day which also happened to be my Mom's birthday. She would make corned beef, cabbage, and boiled red potatoes. She always thought it was funny that she was born on a traditionally Irish holiday and she was 100% Dutch. We would sit down as a big family to celebrate Mom's birthday and eat the great meal she put together. I loved it but as a kid, not so much the cabbage part. I loved making a sandwich on the fresh rye bread she would buy special for the meal. The joking around we did a the dinner table and the happy look my mom had on her face as she looked at her family.

I have tried a few times to eat it since she passed away, but just can't. I get a couple of bites in before I feel as if I am going to throw up. St. Patrick's Day for me was never about the Irish Saint or even the meal, but about my Mom. It was about celebrating her life and now she is gone I don't care to celebrate the day. I know people think I am a bit strange when I tell them I can no longer bring myself to eat corned beef, but the truth is that I can't bring myself to explain how much that meal is wrapped up in a tradition that is all about my Mom.

This time last year.

I've been thinking that a lot lately. This time last year my father was in the hospital again and we found out his cancer would take him from us soon. I was spending as much time with him as I could knowing that the clock was ticking against us. I was trying to get to know the man behind the "Dad". I was really listening to his stories this time as opposed to zoning out and thinking to myself that I had already heard this one before. I was sitting with him while in his confused state when he didn't know who I was or where he was. I answered him when he mistakenly called me Ida thinking I was my mom because I couldn't deny him the thought that he was with her again even if it was just for a short moment of time.

I dreamt of my dad last night and in my dream I did something for him I thought was nice, but all he did was complain because I didn't do it right. I got really mad at him for being an ass and not seeing that I was trying to do something for him but all I got was criticism. However that was my dad, always pushing me to do better even if it hurt more than helped. I was kind of disappointed when I woke up that it wasn't a nice dream with us enjoying each other, then I realized I wouldn't have believed it was really him in the dream if he wasn't annoying me somehow. haha

I pray that this year is better. I need a year off from seeing family members dying. I know I can handle pretty much what is tossed at me, but I just need a break.


I miss my dad.

Neighbors, are they in the past?

Growing up I knew almost everyone on our block. The people to the right was a couple with a young daughter I used to tutor. The first family to my left was a couple with two boys who I grew up with and thought for sure I would marry, when they moved another couple moved in with a girl my age and we've been friends since though we have had our ups and downs. Then there were the other families the one who was best friends with my mom, the one who cut my hair, the people whose kids weren't the best behaved, the older couple who my mom cared for in their final years. There was the family of all boys whose cousin moved in and became one of my best friends. The neighbors would shovel each others sidewalks and driveways, mow lawns, or just sit on the porches and chat. The older couples whose children were grown, would watch out for the children on the block while they walked to and waited for the bus. The one house with the boys I remember spending as much time there before they moved as I did my own home. The mom became a second mom to me and to this day I still look to her as that. She was so supportive during the hard times with my own parents. I knew if I called she would help anyway she could. Then there were the families who moved away, but the friendships still stuck.

After I took my kids sledding today, I decided to shovel our sidewalk. We share it with an elderly couple, so I made sure to clear their path as well. I then went to clear out the slush around my van to discover the neighbor's was just a messy. So I continued on until I  made sure my close neighbors had clear walkways.  I didn't do this for gratitude, just because it is something I would like to be done for me. As I did that I realize that I don't really know my neighbors. There is the elderly couple who I always say hi to, the single mom on the other side who we say hi or discuss the weather, and now a young couple with a little girl who we barely get a wave out of. Then there is a single lady across the way who I have chatted with more than once and who is very nice to my kids. In a way I was sadden that I really don't know these people, then I  realize that this is just the way it is in many neighborhoods. We erect privacy fences so there no longer is talking to your neighbor through the fence. We tell our children not to talk to strangers and almost make them fear meeting new people. We see others problems as their own and don't think of trying to help.

Where our condo is situated, we are super secluded so I don't know how the rest of our neighborhood works. I do know that a lot of the time my neighbors annoy me and I don't want to take the time to get to know them. It may be the way they park, or the fact that they love cooking sauerkraut and the smell comes into our place, or the fact that I can hear their tv through my bedroom walls. I often want to just live in our bubble being secluded. However there are those times I wish I could call a neighbor to borrow butter or to ask if they can keep an eye out for a package that may be delivered. I don't though, instead I drag everyone to the store for that ingredient or pray the arriving package is still there when I get home. So this year I am going to try and be a better neighbor. Instead of avoiding eye contact or a quick hello, I am going to take time to smile, say hi and maybe ask how their day was. If I see snow needs to be shoveled instead of viewing as not my problem, I am going to shovel it. I'll bring in their garbage cans on garbage day when I bring up my own. Even if no one ever does these things for us, I don't care. Maybe if we all start being better neighbors to each other the world will start to change. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but not if everyone is isolated in their own homes afraid of helping their fellow man.