FAQ about my Schooling

I decided it would be easier to post the answers to some of the questions I get. 

What are you going to school for? I am going to get my degree in Paraeducation, in layman's terms, a degree to be a Teacher's Aide. 

But, why not a teacher? Honestly because I don't want to. I see what my husband and numerous teacher friends go through and am not interested in that stress. By being a Para, I get to work with kids (which I love to do) but don't have all the stress that teachers deal with. 

Wouldn't it be a better job to be a teacher instead of just an Aide? Seriously? That is like asking someone who is a nurse why they didn't just become a doctor. A Para's job is very important. Lauren has had many and I am so thankful for them. They were there when the teacher couldn't. They wiped her tears and listened to her fears. They encouraged her and made her feel safe. 

So, you can quit school and just take a test to be a Para? Why don't you do that? It is possible to do that, but I also don't see that me getting higher education is hurting anyone. Yes it is stressful at times, but so is parenting. I was lucky enough to get a grant so I am not "wasting" my money as many may see it. I don't see that me taking classes such as classroom management a waste of time. If I needed a job right away, I would take the test but continue to go to school. 

Are you going to work right away? Honestly, I am not sure, it depends on a few things. I would like to be able to go on field trips and do class parties for Lauren. It isn't fair to her that she gets screwed out of Mommy doing those things just because she is last. I also still care for my awesome niece. 

How much money will you make being "just" a Para? No freaking clue. I am guessing not a ton. If I wanted a job that pays a lot, it sure as Hell wouldn't be in the education field. 

I don't mind people asking me questions about school. What I do mind is that I feel like I have to constantly defend why I am going to school. I am a 35 year old women who never got to go to college, I shouldn't feel guilty for choosing to go now. What I need is support not criticism.  The minute I ask you to pay my bills or care for my family, you are more than welcome to criticize my decision to go to school. 

Answering questions

So things have been in sort of a holding pattern with dad. He is on palliative care for now, but I think we may be moving him to hospice soon. I really appreciate people asking me about him and myself, but there are days when I am just so tired of talking about it. Lately when someone asks how he is, I reply "he's alive." I think they get a bit annoyed, but in reality people do not want to hear the truth. They don't want to know that he is dying a slow agonizing death. That he rarely has an appetite and when he does eat,  he often chokes on the food because the cancer is slowly closing his esophagus. They don't want to know that he is choosing not to have a feeding tube put in place so all we have left to do is to watch him starve to death, he's lost 6 pounds in a month and I am sure there is more to come. He is now a shell of the man he used to be and hates the fact that he has to be a burden to us.(We do not feel he is a burden, that is his own thoughts.)  He is often confused and at times am not sure who I am or where he is. He is sick of living and wants to die. So that is how he is.

When I am asked how I am, I never really know what to say because people don't really like to know the ugly truth. The truth is that I am scared to death. I am stretched to the limit and it takes all I have to hold it together. I am so thankful for my kids and niece during the day because without them to care for I would fall apart. I don't want to lose my dad even if he tends to be a crazy, cranky old man. You never know how important your parents are until you have lost one. I pray every day that he goes quickly and peacefully yet I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because I am basically praying for his death. I don't want to watch him die, but I will also not allow him to do it alone. He misses me when I am not there and I have come to need that time with him as much as he needs me to be there. I feel guilt because I don't have the time, home, or resources to care for him. I feel bad when I can't make it by him for a day or two. I feel like a horrible parent and wife because everything in my life is lacking in some way. So when asked how I am, I say fine because otherwise I will completely fall apart.

My dad is dying.

There, I said it even though it is hard to utter those words out loud. It is amazing that I started this blog because of a shocking pregnancy and I needed an outlet to talk, then the death of my Mom, my own health issues and now my dad.

 He was diagnosed with Esophageal cancer in 2001, but after chemo and radiation he was doing well and was considered in remission for many years, until this past July.  It started with him having a hard time eating and throwing up. I brought him to the doctor to see if it was a recurrence which was what I thought. At first glance there was no tumor, but the doctor did a biopsy around the previous area to see. It came back positive. We also found out that he has a very small aneurysm in his aorta starting which can't be fixed because of where the cancer is. He opted not to do treatments this time around. He lost his will to live the day my Mom died. He ended up having a stent put in his lower esophagus because the cancer was closing his esophagus making it hard for him to eat or swallow.  In the meantime, we had to move him out of his house to a retirement type place because he just was not able to live by himself and he couldn't afford someone to live with him 24/7 to care for him. He seemed to be doing well, he made friends and was even going on some of the outings. However, his health started to nose dive again, he developed pneumonia and his congestive heart failure was irritated. We got that cleared up and he started having problems swallowing again which meant another stent had to be placed.  We did that and I ended up having to take him to the hospital for extreme weakness, he couldn't even sit up unassisted for more than a couple of minutes before he fell back. They found he was dehydrated and kept him to pump his fluids back up. He was doing better and was supposed to go home today, but the doctor called to tell me he got worse overnight and he was sending him for a ct scan of his head and back since he was unable to sit up again.

There is nothing I can do but be there for him. He is so tired of living in his body that is giving out on him. He cries and tells me he just wants to go to sleep and never wake up. What do you say to that? He is debating between hospice and something called palliative care which is basically the step before hospice. I want him to choose palliative care, but in the end it is his choice.

My dad and I had our differences when I was growing up, Hell you can even say I hated him, but I have learned long ago  to let go of that. He raised us the way he was raised, he didn't know any better. I am not saying I don't still suffer the scars from his hurtful words, but I am moving on. The thing that strikes me funny is how so many people including the doctors and nurses tell me what a great thing it is that I am taking care of him. I find this unbelievable. I am doing what needs to be done. I am fulfilling my promise I made to my Mom to take care of him and I will keep doing it until he dies. So I am asking all of you to please pray for him, that he finds the peace he deserves.

The phrase that makes me want to punch people in the face.

In your spare time today can you ______? You can fill that in as you choose, running an errand, making something, or making phone calls. Are you fucking kidding me? If I had spare time to do anything it would be to pee. Because chances are I haven't yet done that today.  People seriously don't understand what a day of a stay at home mom entails. If I am not taking care of kids, checking on my dad, taking care of the house, the animals, laundry, or volunteering at the kids' school I am trying to stay sane. Some days that in itself is a job.   I don't regret being a stay at home mom one bit especially now that I have found a network of women I can talk to. (One  reason why I volunteer at the school so much.) However it blows my mind when people actually think there is spare time to be had. Right now you may be trying to figure out how I can write this, well the kiddies are eating at the moment so I am taking a few moments to avoid the dishes to bitch.  The list of what goes to the back burner can go on and on, but I don't complain because it is what it is. I can't drop the kids off somewhere so I can have a day to myself and since my husband has to work every day so we can have silly things like gas, they are with me all the time. Why not do stuff at night? Because frankly by the time dinner is done I am so drained I don't even want to move my ass off the couch let alone go get my hair cut(it has only been 9 months) or go to the doctor. So I just keep moving forward as Dory says. Christmas , oops Winter Break is coming up so maybe I will schedule a hair cut then.

There is not much more heartbreaking

than your father crying. It gets me every time he cries and most days I can hold my own tears back, today was not one of those days. He started telling me how he woke up at about 3:30 in morning and knew it was time to get to work, so he got up to put on his uniform but could not find it. After getting angry he sat on his couch for a bit and realized he was in one room. He yelled for my Mom a couple of times then after she didn't answer and his surroundings came into focus better he remembered it all. He remembered that she was gone, that he was no longer living in his home and that he was alone. I don't know many people who could have kept a dry eye after hearing that, Hell I can't even do it as I type. Of course I try to figure out a way to help him remember, but how would I do that? I already made him a photo album that has everyone's pictures with their names. There is a calendar with the month and day on it. Do I make a poster telling him who he is, where he is and that she is gone? I can't do that, his heart would break over and over again.  So I comfort him the best I can and tell him that it will be okay when in my heart I know it won't after all he is getting older and his memory keeps hiccuping on him.  I fear that there will come a day when he doesn't remember me. Getting old is a cruel thing. My dad has lived a hard life and his body is much older than its 69 years. How is it fair that you struggle to live life only to be robbed of your memories, health, and independence at the end?  I don't understand why your  life ends in basically the same way you began it, crawling.

Do you ever just feel like a complete failure?

That is me lately. *sigh* I feel like I am failing as a Mother, Wife, Daughter, Friend, everything. I try not to be hard on myself and try with all of my might to allow things to be good enough, but I can't I have this constant voice whispering in my head that I am doing good enough or doing enough. I try not to let it bother me, but lately more days than not it weighs me down. My house is in a perpetual chaos of clutter and mess. It doesn't matter how often I clean or how much stuff I get rid of or organized. I try not to use the excuse of a small house to explain the clutter. Seriously though, our place is about 1000 square feet, not a lot to house 2 adults, four kids, a dog, and 2 cats. So definitely not a whole lot of wiggle room.  I don't invite friends of my kids or Hell even my own over because it is so embarrassing. I have seen their beautiful clean, clutter free homes and cringe at what they are thinking when they come here. While I have fully accepted that this tiny place is ours for a very long time, I sometimes waiver and look over on the other side and see that the grass is a bit greener and they actually have one Hell of a yard unlike our sidewalk. I know a pity party will not help things, but sometimes it can't be helped. I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions that I can never do just one job great, instead I do them all half assed and definitely not good enough. Nothing will change anytime soon because I can't just quit any of my jobs, too many people rely on me. So I just need to accept that things will never live up to my standards and try to adjust them.

Wow

Has it really been two months since I posted? I can't tell you how many times I sat down to post something, but didn't. Nothing seemed exactly post worthy. Life is hectic and I would be lying if I say some days I feel like I am barely holding my head above water. Sometimes I wish someone would call and offer to take the kids (Hell I would settle for one) for a few hours so I can get stuff done, but that won't happen. My kids have been out of school for over a month now and only my oldest has had one friend call to invite her to play.  I have explained to my kids' friends' parents that I generally don't invite kids over to play. Our house is bursting at the seams with just our four that adding one or two more might result in mass chaos. I never can predict what Nick's behavior is going to like and it is just easier to not even bother to try. I feel like I am doing my kids a huge disservice, but what is the other option? Invite kids over and take the chance that Nick is going to have one of his blow ups? I would rather not even take the chance. Nick really has no friends and boy do I hear about it when on the rare occasion Allison goes to her friends house. I don't call parents and invite my kids to their house. They way I look at it, if they don't call they don't want other kids over. It doesn't help that our place is sort of secluded and we have no kids around us. I am just extremely grateful the four kids have each other. They may drive each other nuts often but they enjoy playing with each other. Ugh, see why I said there was no point in me posting anything. :>/

Hey there! Did you miss me?

Or should I ask if you even knew I was gone? Things have been well, hectic, although that doesn't really encompass all that has been going on in my life. My mom, my best friend, the person who I speak to on a daily basis has been very ill. She was rushed to the hospital on February 20th and has been there ever since. She has been diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer and the prognosis is not good. She already had COPD and Emphysema so her lungs were shot to begin with. I have been coping as well as I can. I feel like I am on the never ending roller coaster. Just when things start to look hopeful, she has a set back. She has had to be intubated twice and the doctors are now considering a tracheotomy.  I used to pray to God to save her because I want her around forever. Now though, I just pray to God that he makes the right decision for HER. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want her to be miserable either. She is a tough fighter and not giving up. She obviously has more things to do in this life because she has been on his doorstep a few times and he has sent her back home. She is looking forward to having a new grand baby to cuddle and love. I have a feeling I will be bringing this little one to the hospital to meet his/her grandmother, but at least they will meet.

I have about 4 weeks or less to go and I myself can not believe how fast time has flown by. I guess a lot of that has to do with the fact that my mom has been in and out of the hospital since September so I haven't really had a ton of time to think about it. I was just thinking the other day that I started my pregnancy years with a parent with cancer (my father was diagnosed with esophageal cancer when I was pregnant with my first) and now I will end my pregnancy years with a parent with cancer. They say God doesn't give you what you can't handle. Well, apparently he has a lot more confidence in me than I do. Besides the stress with my mom, my son has behavior issues and we are dealing with that. We also are no way close to being ready for this baby. Thanks to some wonderful friends, we have some already prepared meals. I did one load of baby clothes and have packed my hospital bag. Outside of that, things are at a stand still. I am just worn out physically and mentally and just don't have it in me to do much more than what is necessary. 

I saw my doctor this week and she put me on Zoloft for depression. She gave me a screening for depression and I apparently scored a little high. In the past I have been against meds for depression, bu t I realize that this time around  I need a little bit more help. To date I have gained ten pounds. We'll see how much more I gain by the end. I see the doctor again next week and every week until I deliver. I hope my little bundle of joy will show her/his mommy some mercy and come just a little bit early. I am already waddling and forget getting out of bed in the morning, that is a feat in itself. LOL I'll include the latest belly picture and some baby info. 

 Man do I look huge! It isn't me, it is the computer camera and my husband's sweatshirt making me look like that. 

Your baby is still packing on the pounds — at the rate of about an ounce a day. She now weighs almost 6 pounds and is more than 18 1/2 inches long. She's shedding most of the downy covering of hair that covered her body as well as the vernix caseosa, the waxy substance that covered and protected her skin during her nine-month amniotic bath. Your baby swallows both of these substances, along with other secretions, resulting in a blackish mixture, called meconium, will form the contents of her first bowel movement. At the end of this week, your baby will be considered full-term. (Full-term is 37 to 42 weeks; babies born before 37 weeks are pre-term and those born after 42 are post-term.) Most likely she's in a head-down position. But if she isn't, your practitioner may suggest scheduling an "external cephalic version," which is a fancy way of saying she'll try to coax your baby into a head-down position by manipulating her from the outside of your belly.

Still in shock....

I'm really annoyed right now because I just had this whole freaking thing typed out and it took too long to load, so it erased everything and NOTHING got saved. UGH!

So, on to my story, again. I told my husband yesterday through many tears and apologies. He said not to be upset and there was nothing to be sorry for. I don't know why I doubted his reaction to the news. He has never made me think that he would react negatively about the news of a baby. I think he is in shock because neither one has spoken about it since.

I don't know when we'll tell our families, would right before the birth be too long? sigh

I spent most of yesterday trying to find an OB. What a frustrating ordeal that was! I am grateful that we have insurance, but I wish the doctors weren't such crappy pickings. Most of the places were in horrible neighborhoods, weren't taking new patients or couldn't get me in until October. I finally found someone in a decent neighborhood, but can't get in until Septemebr 11th. I wish I could go back to my old OB, she is awesome. Unfortunately she doesn't take the insurance we have. We could get insurance through my husband's work that she takes, but it would be like paying a second mortgage every month and we just can't swing that. So, I guess I will just put on my big girl panties or in this case maternity undies (lmao) and suck it up because in the end all that matters in that me and this baby stay healthy.