My dad is dying.

There, I said it even though it is hard to utter those words out loud. It is amazing that I started this blog because of a shocking pregnancy and I needed an outlet to talk, then the death of my Mom, my own health issues and now my dad.

 He was diagnosed with Esophageal cancer in 2001, but after chemo and radiation he was doing well and was considered in remission for many years, until this past July.  It started with him having a hard time eating and throwing up. I brought him to the doctor to see if it was a recurrence which was what I thought. At first glance there was no tumor, but the doctor did a biopsy around the previous area to see. It came back positive. We also found out that he has a very small aneurysm in his aorta starting which can't be fixed because of where the cancer is. He opted not to do treatments this time around. He lost his will to live the day my Mom died. He ended up having a stent put in his lower esophagus because the cancer was closing his esophagus making it hard for him to eat or swallow.  In the meantime, we had to move him out of his house to a retirement type place because he just was not able to live by himself and he couldn't afford someone to live with him 24/7 to care for him. He seemed to be doing well, he made friends and was even going on some of the outings. However, his health started to nose dive again, he developed pneumonia and his congestive heart failure was irritated. We got that cleared up and he started having problems swallowing again which meant another stent had to be placed.  We did that and I ended up having to take him to the hospital for extreme weakness, he couldn't even sit up unassisted for more than a couple of minutes before he fell back. They found he was dehydrated and kept him to pump his fluids back up. He was doing better and was supposed to go home today, but the doctor called to tell me he got worse overnight and he was sending him for a ct scan of his head and back since he was unable to sit up again.

There is nothing I can do but be there for him. He is so tired of living in his body that is giving out on him. He cries and tells me he just wants to go to sleep and never wake up. What do you say to that? He is debating between hospice and something called palliative care which is basically the step before hospice. I want him to choose palliative care, but in the end it is his choice.

My dad and I had our differences when I was growing up, Hell you can even say I hated him, but I have learned long ago  to let go of that. He raised us the way he was raised, he didn't know any better. I am not saying I don't still suffer the scars from his hurtful words, but I am moving on. The thing that strikes me funny is how so many people including the doctors and nurses tell me what a great thing it is that I am taking care of him. I find this unbelievable. I am doing what needs to be done. I am fulfilling my promise I made to my Mom to take care of him and I will keep doing it until he dies. So I am asking all of you to please pray for him, that he finds the peace he deserves.