11/07/2012

Do you ever just feel like a complete failure?

That is me lately. *sigh* I feel like I am failing as a Mother, Wife, Daughter, Friend, everything. I try not to be hard on myself and try with all of my might to allow things to be good enough, but I can't I have this constant voice whispering in my head that I am doing good enough or doing enough. I try not to let it bother me, but lately more days than not it weighs me down. My house is in a perpetual chaos of clutter and mess. It doesn't matter how often I clean or how much stuff I get rid of or organized. I try not to use the excuse of a small house to explain the clutter. Seriously though, our place is about 1000 square feet, not a lot to house 2 adults, four kids, a dog, and 2 cats. So definitely not a whole lot of wiggle room.  I don't invite friends of my kids or Hell even my own over because it is so embarrassing. I have seen their beautiful clean, clutter free homes and cringe at what they are thinking when they come here. While I have fully accepted that this tiny place is ours for a very long time, I sometimes waiver and look over on the other side and see that the grass is a bit greener and they actually have one Hell of a yard unlike our sidewalk. I know a pity party will not help things, but sometimes it can't be helped. I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions that I can never do just one job great, instead I do them all half assed and definitely not good enough. Nothing will change anytime soon because I can't just quit any of my jobs, too many people rely on me. So I just need to accept that things will never live up to my standards and try to adjust them.

11/04/2012

Just when you think you suck at parenting..

the kids prove you otherwise. With four kids aged 10 and younger you can imagine how crazy our home gets. There is almost always some sort of fight/disagreement going on. The place is a perpetual mess, no matter how often or how long I clean it. They come in like tiny tornadoes and undo all the hard work in a matter of hours. It is unusual for an hour to go by without someone screaming because someone is looking at them, hurt, or because someone got to the bathroom first. (Totally not kidding on that one!) Yesterday was the usual crap, but Allison and Nick got to spend the night at their Grandparents' which a rare treat.  Lauren got very upset and wanted Allison to stay home with her.  Alexander was also bummed that Nick wouldn't be on the top bunk that night in bed. So I took the two younger ones out for dinner and shakes to cheer them up. After we got home and bathed, I made some cookies and they got those too. They were super surprised because usually if they get a shake, that is it for the treats that night. Right before they were heading for their own sleepover, the phone rang. (The two of them were going to sleep in Allison's bed and watch a movie.) Allison was calling to say goodnight. She barely spoke to Andrew or myself before rushing us off so she could talk to Lauren and Alexander. She asked them about what we had done and gave them the okay to sleep in her bed. Nick was next to get on and spent more time talking to Alex and Lauren than he did us. When we woke up this morning, Lauren kept asking when we were getting Allison and Nick because she really missed them and wanted them home. When we went to pick them up, you would think it had been weeks in stead of 18 hours since the last time she had seen Allison.  So we must be doing something right for these kids who most of the time act like they would rather be only children, to miss each other so deeply. Now we are all back home and they lasted about 2 hours before the fighting started. However,  today I am trying not to let it bother me because I know deep down that they do really love each other and would be lost without them.