It is still feels like it was yesterday

when in fact it was six years ago. I remember going to my parents home that morning to sit with my mom. As soon as I walk into the house I knew something had changed. It was as if the energy had disappeared. I went about the day talking to my dad and brothers. I sat with her and talked to her, I rubbed lotion on her feet, I watched a movie with her and I even updated my friends on what was going on.  My mom's best friend from childhood and her daughter and daughter in law came to visit. I remember standing next to my mom commenting that I wasn't even thirty, this shouldn't be happening. I also remember making the comment to her that my Mom was no longer there, she had already moved on and it was just her body waiting to catch up. This made her mad and I remember her telling me that I shouldn't say that because my mom could hear me. I remember her standing next to my mom rubbing her hair trying to get her to open her eyes. Eyes that had been shut for over 24 hours at that point.  I also remember the baby inside me rolling around and kicking assuring me that I had to stay strong. I remember forcing myself to eat even though that was the last thing I wanted to do. I remember my brother coming with his family and me telling them she hadn't open her eyes and would never again. I remember the conversation I had with my other brother about how we knew it was her time and he was wondering why she was waiting. Just like that, I knew. I told him she was waiting for me to go home. My mom would not want me there when her body finally got the hint that it was time to stop fighting. My mom who was more than a mother, but my best friend still was looking out for me and protecting me as she had for so many years. My mom would not want me there when it happened and she would not have wanted me to drive the 20 minute drive home by myself after she passed. So after a bit, I kissed my mom, told her I loved her and whispered in her ear that it was ok to go. I assured her I would be ok and I asked her to look over my baby. I hugged my dad and brothers and drove home. Shortly after arriving home, I got into bed and started to fall asleep when she came to me. I remember telling her that I couldn't have the baby until I knew she was ok. She told me she loved me and I woke up to a phone call. Shortly after midnight on the 26th, my brother went to check on her and discovered she had passed. Being the type of mom she was she wanted to make sure no one was there to have to witness that. She waited until they had stepped out of the house for some air before she took her final breath. I told him I already knew because she had come to me. I remember being numb after that phone call and just sitting on the couch in the dark. I knew I had to let my babies know that their Grandma Ida was gone. That was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. I struggled with guilt for a long time because I wasn't there when it happened. Hell, every so often it still creeps up on me. However, I know my mom wouldn't have wanted us to be the last memory of her. She protected us until she drew her last breath.

FAQ about my Schooling

I decided it would be easier to post the answers to some of the questions I get. 

What are you going to school for? I am going to get my degree in Paraeducation, in layman's terms, a degree to be a Teacher's Aide. 

But, why not a teacher? Honestly because I don't want to. I see what my husband and numerous teacher friends go through and am not interested in that stress. By being a Para, I get to work with kids (which I love to do) but don't have all the stress that teachers deal with. 

Wouldn't it be a better job to be a teacher instead of just an Aide? Seriously? That is like asking someone who is a nurse why they didn't just become a doctor. A Para's job is very important. Lauren has had many and I am so thankful for them. They were there when the teacher couldn't. They wiped her tears and listened to her fears. They encouraged her and made her feel safe. 

So, you can quit school and just take a test to be a Para? Why don't you do that? It is possible to do that, but I also don't see that me getting higher education is hurting anyone. Yes it is stressful at times, but so is parenting. I was lucky enough to get a grant so I am not "wasting" my money as many may see it. I don't see that me taking classes such as classroom management a waste of time. If I needed a job right away, I would take the test but continue to go to school. 

Are you going to work right away? Honestly, I am not sure, it depends on a few things. I would like to be able to go on field trips and do class parties for Lauren. It isn't fair to her that she gets screwed out of Mommy doing those things just because she is last. I also still care for my awesome niece. 

How much money will you make being "just" a Para? No freaking clue. I am guessing not a ton. If I wanted a job that pays a lot, it sure as Hell wouldn't be in the education field. 

I don't mind people asking me questions about school. What I do mind is that I feel like I have to constantly defend why I am going to school. I am a 35 year old women who never got to go to college, I shouldn't feel guilty for choosing to go now. What I need is support not criticism.  The minute I ask you to pay my bills or care for my family, you are more than welcome to criticize my decision to go to school.