When I grow up I want to be...

I remember as a child always wanting to do something with kids. I wanted to be a teacher, pediatric nurse, daycare owner, at one time I even envisioned having a place that helps teen moms. None of those happened, but I did become a mom which even though is a ton of work I love my job. I may go back to school to get a certificate for teacher assistant, but it is too late to become the teacher or nurse that I wanted to be. I also don't have the money to have my own daycare or create a loving supportive environment for teen moms.

 My oldest has been saying for a few years that she wants to be a teacher. She generally follows up with saying she will also be a hair stylist since she knows teachers don't make that much and she will need two jobs. Pretty sad that my 11 year old understands how little teachers are appreciated. Number two can't decide, but I have a feeling he has military or some sort of building/engineering in his future. Number 3 used to be a music conductor but is now thinking of being a scientist. My baby just wants to be a mom, she claims she will have 4 or 6 kids and she will live with me with her husband and kids. She decided that she would miss me too much to move away. Actually all my kids claim they will live with me forever.

So all of their dreams of the future are great and can change at any time. However why is it that when my little one claims proudly that all she wants to be is a mom I cringe? I immediately want to dismiss it and try to talk her into being a doctor, lawyer, president, teacher, gardener,  even a librarian. I don't though. I should be honored that she wants to be like me when she grows up, yet I want more for her. Which then makes me think about how I view my "job".

I love my kids and while I am not the greatest mom or wife, I try my hardest and I will fight for whatever they need. I don't get paid in money and some days I feel like I should just throw in the towel.  I worry that somehow I am fucking them up for life and not sure how to fix it. When I hear my friends talk about their jobs outside of caring for their kids, I worry that I am lacking as a woman. I don't have funny stories about my co workers to share. I spend my days talking to my littles and some days don't even know how to carry on a normal conversation with my husband. What I do during the day just does not seem important enough to share. Raising kids is one of the most important jobs anyone can have, yet why do I feel like I am setting a bad example to my children? I have already caught my kids making comments to me about how I don't have a job or even the question "what have you done all day?"when they were asked to do a chore. I am always sort of taken back when they make comments like that and attempt to answer without allowing my hurt feelings to get in the way. Thankfully my husband is my biggest supporter and will get on them for their ideas about what I do.

Even though I know what I am doing is super important, I feel inadequate to the rest of the world. When I am asked what my job is and I reply mom, I actually feel embarrassed as if I just admitted to staying in bed all day watching Gilmore girls. I am going to try my hardest not to get on myself about not being anyone besides just a "mom." In actuality, I am more than that, I am a caregiver, chauffeur, shoulder to cry on, Auntie, diaper changer, puke catcher, wife, laundress, cook, baker, and sometimes maid.

So when number 4 proudly announces that she wants to be me when she grows up, I will be proud and take it as a compliment that I must be doing something right.

I am not one of "those" moms.

The one who get up at the ass crack of dawn to make their little angels a huge breakfast before they head of to school. The one who at drop off look as if they had just hit the beauty salon because their hair and make up is near perfect. The mom who packs their kids nothing but healthy food in their lunch bags. The mom who spends her days working out and cleaning her already immaculate house. The one who picks her kid up from school in her perfectly detailed car. The one who has every hour scheduled to do something,  the one whose kid does their chores without a complaint . The one who always seems to be put together and never complains.  The one who never yells at her child but just barely has to raise her voice to be heard.

The truth is that I am just me. I view it as an accomplishment if I get up five minutes before my kids in the morning. They get whatever frozen breakfast item or whatever cereal we have, yes even the sugar filled kind.  I am lucky if I run a hair brush through my hair before I drop them off at school. As for makeup, what is that? I might wear it to a wedding. My kids get a sandwich, chips, a cookie and some sort of fruit (sometimes) in their lunch. Yes, I give my kids chips for every lunch. *gasp* Unless of course the child decides to bring a bowl of cereal for lunch. I do try to send them a joke or fun fact in their lunch to read, however I am just happy if less than half of what I send comes home. My day is spent caring for a 4 year old and 2 year old tornadoes. Seriously, they way those two destroy my home is freaking amazing! After I drop the 4 year old off at school, it is nap time for the 2 year old. I guess I should use that time wisely. Sometimes I eat, usually for the first time that day and catch up on my shows I had to DVR from the night before because my kids were having World War III in my living room. I pick up some of the toys, but usually just leave them because I know as soon as my mini tornadoes are together again, shit will just get destroyed anyway. Working out to me is walking the kids the five blocks to their school. Hey, at least I burn some calories. My van looks as if we live in it and if the kids can get in and out without some piece of garbage falling out, I am stoked. Five kids, plus many hours shuttling them back and forth to places does not a clean van make. My windows are filthy and there is now rust around the door. The hours in my house are a free for all because mom is usually trying not to lose her shit. After school, we have a snack and do homework. Homework with #2 regularly involves crying and frustration, he is not fond of it either. Seriously, I had to YouTube how to figure out a freaking 4th grade math problem the other day! My kids bitch if I ask them to put their clothes in the hamper, heaven forbid chores get done without some sort of meltdown. I complain, a lot and I yell.

However, I am one of those moms whose loves her kids even if I don't always like them. I am the one who worries that her nine year old son will never know what it is like to have a true friend. I am the one who worries that her daughter will suffer from the same self esteem issues I still struggle with. I am the one who instead of worrying what my house looks like instead chooses to sit on the couch snuggling my kids and watching Lilo & Stitch for the umpteenth time because I know how fast it goes. I am the mom who looks forward to school starting. I am the mom who worries that I am a bad example for my kids because I never went to college and instead am "just" a mom. I am the mom who apologizes to her kids when I do lose my shit because after all I am human, I am the mom whose children know when I have a bad migraine to play quietly and actually get a long. I am the mom who likes to sing out loud and dance around the house with my kids because they think it is hilarious.  I am the one who instead of sitting out of the pool at a water park am actually in my bathing suit in front of strangers(yikes) hanging out with my kid.

Some of my friends are "those" moms or at least partially one. You know what, I envy them and secretly hate them all at the same time. (Kidding, you know you rock.)  I wish I had my shit together, but for me it just isn't going to happen. Maybe by the time I become a Grandma I will figure out it all.

I have two confessions.

#1 I like the Barbie movies. :~P Yep, it is true. Miss Lauren has been on a "Bahbee" movie kick and I am happy to oblige. I do not think that she will suffer from a bad body image by watching Barbie either. Hell, I have a horrible body image and I hated Barbie growing up. LOL Anyway I would rather watch Barbie on loop for 24 hours than one episode of Spongebob. I can't stand that nasal voiced yellow square!

#2 My house is not spotless. There I said it, I got it out. On any given day, there will be dirty clothes in the hamper, dishes in the sink, and toys scattered all over. The boys room is basically a mine field and chances are no matter how hard you look, you will still step on a blasted Lego. (I still strongly believe the man who invented them had a huge dislike for his Mother. LOL) My floor are not scrubbed as often as I would like and I didn't wash the outside of my windows once last year. So if you come on by unexpected expect to be created my complete chaos. LOL If you give me a warning, I will at least get the pile of folded laundry off the couch so you have somewhere to sit.