4/26/2009

Strong

One of the definitions of this word is not mild or weak. It is a word that many people have used to describe me and what I have gone through the last couple of months. I don't see it. I just do what needs to be done. On the outside I may appear to be strong to people, but on the inside I feel like I'm barely holding on. My mom has been gone from the Earth a month now. The pain has lessened, but she will never be forgotten. I think of her many times a day, but now I can think of her without feeling that sharp pain in my heart. That doesn't mean that I don't miss her, because I do. Just the other day I picked up the phone to call and tell her something before my brain kicked into gear and reminded me I couldn't call her. I still talk to her, I just don't get a response. 

Many of you don't know, but my older son has a lot of behavior issues. He is 5 1/2 and basically runs our house with his moods. He has been seeing a therapist since December, but that isn't working. We are trying to get him into a new doctor but with our insurance that has been tough. We may end up paying out of pocket to see one. Next year he will be going into Special Ed Kindergarten because he has a non specific developmental delay. Just the other day he said the entire alphabet without messing up for the first time. We were all so excited. He gets frustrated easily and tends to throw violent temper tantrums. He isn't a bad kid, he just can't control himself at times. We have tried just about everything under the sun to try and get him to change his behavior, but with no luck. Now we are thinking that there is something wrong in his brain, perhaps a chemical imbalance that is causing it. Life is very stressful, but what can I do? This was the hand I was dealt so I just have to push forward. It is very hard some days to keep hope that someday he will be better, think that he will be the sweet funny kid that we all know and love and his Jekyll side will be gone.  

As a mother I worry that maybe it was something I did to cause this. Maybe I ate something I shouldn't have while pregnant. I did not breastfeed him, could that have been the cause? He was born three weeks early and just eighteen months after my daughter, should there have been a bigger gap? Perhaps my body hadn't fully recovered and lacked certain nutrients. Maybe I should have read to him more, rocked him more, played with him more, perhaps cooked my own baby food. The what ifs will slowly drive me crazy if I let them. I try not to think about them, but every once and a while they creep up and a little voice whispers that they way he is is my fault. 

Little Lauren is growing in leaps and bounds. Last week I had to take her into the doctor and she was already up to 8 lbs 4 oz. I guess that means the girls are working right. LOL Poor baby has a hemangioma in the crack of her behind and it sometimes bleeds. It doesn't seem to cause her any pain, which is a relief. I have to take her into a plastic surgeon to see if anything needs to be done with it. 

4/19/2009

My due date was two days ago

and I was able to fit into a pair of my pre-baby jeans. Grant it, they were only one pair, another pair I had tried on were too tight, but still it is exciting. Now before you start stoning me, let me just say it isn't my fault. I did eat while I was pregnant, but I must have inherited my mom's high metabolism. You can ask my husband, I ate double stuff oreos almost every night. Now I just have to remember that I am no longer pregnant and those Oreos probably won't be so forgiving now.

I can't believe Little Lauren is already 13 days old. I want to slow life down, but as we all know that won't happen. I worry that I'm going to blink and she will be in High School. Who gave kids the okay to grow up so quick? I guess that is just more of a reason to savor each and everyday with them. The good and bad days, after all even bad days can always be worse.  Lauren had her first bath and didn't really like it. The only screaming was from her. My youngest son was the only one interested in watching her get her bath. Although I think it was because he saw an opportunity to play in water.  The older two were outside playing enjoying the beautiful weather we were blessed with.  

I am finally on the mend physically. I still get the occasional headache, but that could just be due to the fact that life with four kids under the age of 7 can be quite stressful at times. The days they spend all day fighting I wonder what we got ourselves into, but then there are days like this morning where they are all playing some silly game  together and having fun. Those good days make it all worth it. 

4/16/2009

What a beautiful morning!

This morning is what Spring is all about. Clear blue skies, sun shining, birds chirping, and it isn't too cold. It is amazing how much a little sunshine can lift one's spirits. My kids were even in a decent mood this morning. They fought a little but, I told them they shouldn't fight in the morning before school because it just puts the whole day in a bad mood. It seemed to work, we'll see how tomorrow goes. I am continuous amazed at how one minute they can be playing together nicely and in a second they can't stand each other and fight like enemies. My closest sibling was 5 years older then me so I kind of grew up as an only child. I never really experienced a ton of sibling rivalry. My brother made it clear he hated me when we were younger. LOL! Now though, I know he likes me. ;) I don't blame him when we were younger. Heck, he was the baby for five years and then here I come messing everything up. Not only was I the new baby, but I was the only girl in my family! Poor guy. My husband has an identical twin and practically had the ideal childhood so not too much rivalry there either. He also has a brother that is five years older.  So we are learning everyday how to deal with the continual fighting amongst our brood. With patience and perseverance however we will get through this phase in our life. After all if you think about it, life is just made up of many phases, some good, some absolutely terrible. It is just a matter of how you handle them. To quote the late Walt Disney; "We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths." 

I almost forgot, Lauren lost her umbilical cord yesterday. We were at my mother in law's celebrating her birthday. I went to change her diaper and the nasty little shriveled up thing popped out. Gross. My husband asked what I wanted to do with it I told him to toss it. I have never kept my other kids' stumps. Seriously what would one do with it? Perhaps I should have saved it for her wedding day. I could have presented it to her in a beautiful velvet box. Perhaps with a nice card saying that this is the black, dead, shriveled cord to which I gave you life, I want you to have to always remember me? Yikes. I'm sure she would immediately toss it in the trash. I guess I could have planted it, but then what if some nasty outside animal dug it up and ate it? Hmm, now that I think of it I guess it will just decompose in some landfill until a rat or bird comes by to eat it. Oh well, that is the circle of life. So anyway I am very excited that I get to give her the first real bath tonight. I'm sure it will be very exciting. After all the three other kids will want to crowd around the tiny infant tub, I'm sure there will be pushing, shoving, and screaming (maybe from me, maybe from the Princess who I'm sure will not like the bath.) however I will get it documented on film, because how can you not? 

4/15/2009

Let the fun begin.

As I stated in my previous post, I should have known I was in for some problems with the epidural. Tuesday morning I woke up (not that I really slept) to pain in my shoulders that went down my arms and in my head. Yes, I was the lucky recipient of a spinal headache. It was manageable with laying down and pain medication. I had the option of a procedure called a blood patch, but the doctors felt that as long as I could bear it with the pain meds to put off doing the patch. I wasn't too eager for them to stick a needle in my back anytime soon either. My husband arrived with our older kiddies and my mother in law later that morning to meet the newest member of our family. My daughter is over joyed with her sister, my oldest son loves her, but only for short periods of time he has also nicknamed her the Princess with stinky farts and my youngest son calls her his baby sista Wawwen. He giggles at everything she does and never wants to give her back to us. A family friend came and brought me flowers and visited with me for a bit that afternoon. Growing up she was like a second mom to me and she was there for me through everything with my mom. It was nice having her there. She didn't know it but my mom was the only one who brought me flowers after I had my kids. One of my sisters in law came that night and visited. Besides the doctors and nurses, those were my only visitors. To say I was hurt would be an understatement. I never had many family members visit when my others kids were born, but this time was different. I lost my mom only 11 days before and I was hoping that my family would realize how painful of a time it was for me. I of course said nothing because the damage was done, so what would be the point? I'm not holding any grudges my mom's passing showed me that life was too short to linger on silly things no matter how much it might hurt. 
We were able to take our baby girl home on Wednesday evening. Thursday the pain in my head got almost too much to bear. At one point I tried to take a shower only to end up sitting in the shower sobbing my eyes out because the pain was so bad. That evening my husband took me to the ER to have the blood patch done. By the time we arrived at the hospital the pain was so bad I could barely speak. Thankfully the ER tech got me into a room right away even though there were people sitting in the waiting room for quite a while before I had arrived. The doctor came in and called the anesthesiologist. They started a saline IV and gave me a shot of pain medicine that made everything all nice and fuzzy. The anesthesiologist came down, consulted with me and told me all of the risks of getting the blood patch done. I will spare you the gory details, but basically they stick a needle back into my spine, draw 20ccs of blood from my arm and inject it into my spine. Ouch. I told my husband who sometimes gets weak in the knees not to look, but he couldn't help himself. He said it was like watching a train wreck, he tried not to watch, but couldn't stop either. He does to retell the story with every detail for anyone who wants to hear it. So they do the procedure and almost immediately my pain is better. Woohoo! I had to lay flat for an hour then got to go home. When I stood up to leave however, all the pain came back. What a disappointment! Not only did I just waste time getting a procedure done that didn't work, I missed out on four hours of my baby's life and had to pump and dump when I got home because of the pain medication they gave me. Friday I woke up with a headache, but it wasn't as bad, I did however have a ton of lower back and leg pain. That would be a side effect from the patch. I would rather have back pain then my head feeling like it was going to split open. We took Miss Lauren to the doctor where she was given a clean bill of health. She still weighed her birth weight. The hospital never told me how much she weighed when we left so I don't know how much she lost. She has a touch of jaundice, but we did not need to get her blood drawn because her eyes weren't yellow and her poop was already turning color. I am breastfeeding and she has taken to it like a champ. I know most people don't get why I would want to "tie" myself to her, but I did it with my last child and it makes me feel great to know that my baby is growing and thriving because of me. Yes it stinks right now that others can't feed her, but that does not mean they can't hold and snuggle her. (Disclaimer: I formula fed my first two, so I don't think badly of people who can't or don't want to breastfeed.) Friday afternoon I started to feel like I had a UTI brewing. Gee what more fun stuff can I add to my list? I suffer from chronic UTIs so I know my body and the symptoms. I also always get one right after giving birth, but forgot to ask for an antibiotic before I left. My doctor called in a prescription for me even though she was hesitant to do it without a test. When are doctors going to learn that we know our bodies better then they do? So I am on the path to recovery and enjoying my baby girl. Physically I do better everyday, mentally some days are a lot tougher than others. I keep expecting for my mom to call me, but I know that is a call that will never come. My dad has come by to visit and calls to check on me almost everyday. I know life needs to get back to normal, but it is hard when I am still mourning. I thank God for my awesome husband everyday. He has been my rock and I know these last weeks haven't been a picnic for him. I don't know what I would have done without him. 

4/14/2009

It's been a while.

A lot of things have gone on. I'm not sure where to start. Let's see... I was completely miserable at the end of my pregnancy. I went to the doctor on March 30th and found that I had gained a couple more pounds. I was still dilated to 2 and 50%. My doctor decided on inducing me April 11th at 9 am. I would be 39 weeks and one day. So the end was near, yet it still seemed so far away. Anyone who has been pregnant knows how slowly the last few weeks drag. On April 2nd, I woke up with extremely bad lower back pain and had been contracting irregularly since the night before. So off to the hospital we went to see if anything was going on. As it turned out, I was contracting, but not good enough for them to keep me after all, I was still only 37 weeks. I turned 38 weeks on the next day. So we came home, I felt stupid and decided it was just a big waste of time for everyone involved. Saturday the 4th I was still contracting irregular, but had felt a continuous wetness down below. I waited for quite a while before calling the doctor then my husband who was at work. Off to the hospital again. No, my bag was not leaking, but I was dilated to 3 and contracting off and on. The doctor however decided to send me home again. Talk about a let down. I tried not to let it bother me, but was extremely disappointed. I had a doctor's appointment Monday. I was hoping she would send me to the hospital this time, but figured I would be going home again, so I didn't get my hopes up too high. Before I left for my appointment, I put on my mother's necklace. I'm not sure what possessed me to do it, I just felt like I needed her with me in some way. I had to wait longer than usual to see the doctor and I was getting a little nervous because as it was I was cutting it close to when I had to get my daughter from school. My mother-in-law had my two boys. I went and weighed in and discovered I had lost 2 pounds, so that made my total weight gain for the pregnancy 9 pounds. Doctor came in measured me, we listened to the baby's heartbeat, then she checked me. I was dilated to 4! Woohoo! She was sending me straight to the hospital because she didn't want me to give birth at home. I was very thankful for that. She also stripped my membranes. I have heard horror stories about how bad it hurts, but I didn't find it that bad. So I called my husband at work and told him that she was sending me to the hospital. He asked what for and I told him to have the baby. LMAO I think after the first two false starts, he was a little leery. I started contracting right after she did her thing, but they weren't too bad. I of course had to drive myself to the hospital because I was only 10 minutes from the hospital and anyone else who could have driven me was at least 20-30 minutes from me. It made no sense not to drive myself especially since I wasn't in any pain. It made for some funny conversations on the way to the hospital. I had to call some people to let them know I was going in and most of the responses were shocked I was driving myself. My husband called my dad who told him to not let me do anything until he got there because he had some shopping to do before he came to the hospital. Just like a man thinking he can tell someone when not to give birth.  My friend picked up my daughter from school and kept her for a few hours. So I get to the hospital at about 2, get checked in, into a very sexy ugly gown and got hooked up to the monitors. I was contracting about every 2-3 minutes, but still they weren't too bad. By the time I was getting hooked up to the monitors, my husband had arrived . My labor started to slow down at around 3:30, so they decided to give me a slow drip of pitocin, better known as the the drug that causes super painful contractions. LOL I also got my epidural about 4. I think it might have been the anaesthesiologist's first day. She stuck me, not once, but twice. All the while I was having some strong contractions, had to sit hunched over with the baby's butt in my rib cage. Not fun. So she started the medicine and immediately I had such a bad headache that I thought the top of my head was going to blow off. I should have guessed then that I was in for quite a time with this.  So I laid down  and the nurse literally put me on my head. She tilted my feet for far up that I thought that I was standing on my head. Thankfully, that did the trick and the pain subsided. The right side of my body was feeling no pain, but the left wasn't that lucky. I must say that it is an odd sensation to be having contractions, but only feel them on one side of your body. So I laid on my left side in an attempt to "level" out the medicine. It helped, but not completely. I was afraid to say anything though because I did not want her sticking me again. So I continued to labor and progress. My father had arrived around 5 or so. We just sat or I should I laid around, watched tv and talked. My doctor came in at 8, checked me, I was at about 5 and she broke my water. I was told that she was going to assist in a c-section, but since I had the epidural I would not feel the need to push. I thought to myself that she was crazy because I have always felt the need to push even with an epidural that worked completely. She was the doctor so I didn't complain they also decided to turn off my pitocin at that time.  At about 8:15, I started feeling pressure so I paged the nurse, she came in and checked me and I was at 7.   I asked my nurse how long c-sections take and she said about 45 minutes and I said good, because I didn't think it would be much longer. By 8:45 I was feeling every contraction and they were getting stronger. I rolled to my side told my husband to page the nurse because the baby's heart alarm went off, I was in a ton of pain and I knew the baby was coming. The nurse followed by another nurse came in. She checked me and I was fully dilated. So here I was ready to push and my doctor was with a different patient! I really didn't care though because of the pain, I just wanted the baby out. So they told me if I had to push, just to push. I vaguely remembering her calling the nursery for another nurse for the baby and paging the doctor. At 9:02 my doctor rushed into the room, I started pushing and my daughter was born at 9:08. Lauren Ida weighed in at 7lbs 1oz and 19 1/2in long. She has quite a bit of brown hair and dark blue eyes. I of course am totally in love. Her middle name was my mom's first name. I had planned that long before my mom got ill. My grandmother was Ida, she named my mom Ida, so it only seemed right that my daughter would carry on that name. I never took my mom's necklace off while I was in the hospital. I know she was there with us even though we couldn't see her. Well, that is it for today. I have some more stories, but need to go feed my daughter. She doesn't understand the whole blog thing. I am putting up the last picture of my belly before it was gone. I took it two days before she was born.