Raising a Preteen girl is so emotional.

   Now that I have a 12 1/2 year old girl, I have a greater respect for what I put my mother through. My daughter is so much like me I cry because I can still feel those feelings I had back then. I suffered from extreme anxiety and eventually depression. I hated myself and thought no one liked me. I would go to school on Monday and hear about how all the people I thought were friends had hung out together without calling me, again. This cemented in my mind that I must really be the ugly loser I had thought I was. I started to stay in my room more and more. I lived vicariously through the world of books and movies. I wished I could be one of the popular, pretty girls in my school.  I never understood how they were so self confident in what is such an awkward stage in life. Eventually I learned that I had two types of friends, school friends and home friends. I had a good amount of friends that were at school, those were the girls I rarely had any contact without outside of school. My good friends were a small group, but I knew they were always there for me. Even though I knew they would have helped me or talked to me, I never did. I do know that old habits die hard. 

    I don't want my daughter to be like I was, I want her to love herself, no I just really want her to like herself. I want her to be able to brush off the fact that she is not getting invited to outings. I want her to be able to say screw it and set her own path. I am encouraging her as much as I can to call friends, but she never does. I keep telling her to fake until she makes it. It is my hope that if she keeps acting like she is beautiful and confident one day she will really see that she is. As her mother she will never believe when I tell her she is beautiful. 

      Dealing with these last turbulent months, I have desperately needed my mom. I need to know how she handled me when I cried because my friends had left me out again. I need to know what to say to my beautiful daughter who thinks she is the ugliest one of her friends. I need to know how to handle the fact that my daughter's friends are pushing her away for more outgoing girls. I need to tell her that I am so sorry for everything I put her through and thank her for her never-ending love and support.