8/29/2013

I feel guilty.

I have a huge amount of guilt lately because I often still feel a deep ache from my mom being gone, but with my dad it isn't as painful. I mean she has been gone for 4 years and he has only been gone for just for 4 months. I think a lot has to do with the fact that my mom and I were so close that it was literally like losing a part of myself. Perhaps it was because the loss of my mom was quick and rather unexpected while with my dad we had 9 months to kind of prepare. Though you can never truly be prepared for losing a loved one no matter how much time you have. I am not saying that I don't miss him, because I really do, the 4th of July was a hard day for me and of course I was just a bitch that day. For the last 6 years or so my parents came with us to my in laws for the 4th for a barbecue. I remember the first 4th without mom it rained most of the day and I remember my Dad saying it was her crying because she couldn't be with us. I guess in a way I thought this year would perhaps rain but instead it was a beautiful day. I feel bad for the people who had to deal with me that day. lol I never did voice why I was in such a bad mood because it took a while for me to even wrap my head around why I was so angry.


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