11/09/2011

I thought about you yesterday......

Who am I kidding? I think about you every day, multiple times a day for that matter. For the most part I think of good times, the love you had for us and how much you loved your grandkids. I think about the food you made, how you were always there if I needed to talk. (Let's face it, that was a lot of times.) I still to this day, 2 years, 7 months and 12 days later go to call and tell you something. I just recently changed the names on phone to Dad because every time Mom calling would pop up a little hole would be punctured in my heart.  There are days that the memories of your final days are first and foremost in my mind and even I can't stop them, so I  don't. I see you as clear as if it was happening again laying in that bed dying and praying to God for some sort of miracle that never came.  That last day where the light had just gone out of you, my world stopped spinning. I was forever changed. It is still too hard to imagine a world where you don't exist. There are days that I regret the kids not coming to see you at the hospital, or your home or at the funeral home to say goodbye, but I quickly push these aside. I do NOT want my kids to remember their Grandmother like that. It is so hard for me to forget it and I would never want to put that kind of pain on such little kids.  I did what you asked, your last "command" as my Mom to not bring the kids to see you like that. As always, you were more wise than anyone I know.  I recently went to a baby shower for a beautiful baby boy and the pain of you being gone was there. It drove with me to the shower and sat with me while I tried to have a good conversation with the other guests. It was not that I was sad about the shower, rather the fact that you could not share in the joy. You would have known most of the people there since you grew up with them. I am no longer just Holly that is all grown up, I am Holly, Ida's daughter and then comes the look of sadness for me because they know you are gone.  I am so happy that I got to have such a great mom and that we had such a great bond. I feel so bad for those friends who can't connect with their moms the way we did. I just pray that I am as good as a mom as you were and that I can have the same relationship with my daughters.

No truer words were spoken as these;


It's so curious:  one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.  ~Colette

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