Changing my way of thinking

or at least trying my hardest. As the saying goes, you are your toughest critic and believe me, no one is harder on me than myself. I am trying to change this and man is it hard! You would think it was simple, but it isn't especially if you have been telling yourself for 20 or so years that you aren't good enough. The list goes on. I never felt I was pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough and was always striving for more only to end up back at the place I was feeling even more dejected. Instead of saying "Look at me World, this is who I am and I am pretty awesome" I hide in the shadows almost too afraid to even talk to new people. Thanks to the help of some new friends and my therapist I am trying to see myself as they see me. Apparently what I do in my daily life is pretty great according to some, but I just see it as what I need to do. Yes I am forever running here and there, but there aren't many who don't. Yes, I educate myself the best possible way and seek to get all the help for Nick with his ADHD and Lauren with her speech delay. But I don't find any of those extraordinary, as a parent we are the only ones who can fight for our children's rights and you can bet your ass I will be there front and center. I have lost my mom, my best friend and somehow did not allow the grief to crush me. I have children after all that depend on me even when I don't think I am good enough for them. I love my children to death, but some days I am so frazzled I think what the heck is going here? When did I grow up and become a mom to 4!! Those days are always the worse. I get so down on myself for not doing enough with the kids, not playing enough with them and worrying are they growing up right? Are they going to be the kind of adult that I envision or will they become couch potatoes destined to live with me forever? (Please no!) When I am my wits end with them and want to run away I think of a friend. She has a beautiful son and a great husband. Although she wanted more children, at this point they have not been blessed yet with another biological child of their own. Does she wallow day in and day out with self pity? Nope, she pulls up her big girl panties and throws herself into her son's life. If that wasn't enough, this selfless couple are now foster parents and taking in children to love and care for because their parents can't at the moment.  Going from one child to multiple children virtually overnight would possibly make me a little loony, but she just seems to put on a smile and continues ahead. You know what? I look up to her and when I grow up I want to be like her. Perhaps my lack of faith is the problem. faith in myself and in God. After all we are all just part of a bigger picture right? I always believed that everything happens for a reason. So instead of saying why me while Nick is in a full out tantrum, I try to think why not  me? Perhaps I was specially picked to be his mom.  No one promised that this road called life would be a smooth straight line. What is the fun in that? The pot holes in that road makes it that much more interesting. Please forgive me if I am babbling, it is 3am and I have not had any sleep tonight.

Now what you have been waiting for, Elvis. he decided to hang out on the computer the other day.