I knew it was too good to be true.

I was hoping Lauren would be safe from getting sick. I must have thought that my milk have superhuman qualities that would cast invisible shield around her and the germs. It didn't matter how much I disinfected or kept the kids away from her, she still got sick. She has a cold, but thankfully it is not in her chest. She has been sleeping decent, but I'm not. Insomnia seems to strike me at the oddest times. Why is it when she is sleeping soundly I can't sleep yet when she is awake I am dozing? The other night I must have been extremely exhausted because I woke up at 6 am with her in my bed and my breast out. *giggle* I don't even know when I got her out of her cradle. I hope the poor thing at least got to nurse before she fell back asleep. I of course had to change the sheets because I leaked all over the bed, her and myself. Eww, gross, I know. On a happier note, she has been awarding my with some great smiles. She gave me her first real smile at about 2am on Mother's Day. What a wonderful gift to get! 

My son's behavior is getting increasingly worse and I am getting more depressed because of it. We are virtual hostages in out home because of him. I pray to God that we get some real answer come June 8th to help our family that seems to be slowly falling apart. It is amazing the power a five year old has over our lives. Oh and for those of you who may think that it is just a behavioral issue, it isn't, there has got to be more going on. His older sister is not like that so it has to be him and not just that we as parents suck monkey balls. 

I'm really missing my mom today. I want to call and talk to her so bad it physically hurts. This quote is so true ~ "It's so curious:  one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses."  ~Colette

Finally! Spring is in the air.

With the arrival of nicer weather also comes the arrival of the constant in and out of the door. Why can't kids stay outside for 15 minutes without having to come in for one thing or another? I find myself saying something I remember my mother telling me.."If you come in one more time, you are staying in. " *giggle* I remember as a kid wondering my my constant in and out was such a big deal, but now as a mother I do.

The few days leading up to Mother's Day was for obvious reasons hard on me. I really didn't want to celebrate and if my husband hadn't had to work I probably would have spent the day in bed. However he did work and someone had to take care of the kids, seeing that I'm the MOM I had to do it. LOL The kids gave me their cute gifts they made in school, my husband bought me a bench with a box underneath for our little patio. This way I could keep some of the kids toys in there instead of constantly having to go to the garage. Unfortunately, for the most part my day was cruddy. I was able to take all four of them by myself (yeah me) to a lake right by our house for a walk and that was fun. My son who I have mentioned before that has the behavioral problems was just nasty for most of the day. He was being mean and hateful to everyone. Toward the end of the day I had asked him if he liked to have a mom to hug and kiss and talk to. After a hesitation he said yes. I said then he should think about how lucky he is when he is going to be mean to me because I no longer have a mom I can hug and kiss and I really want to. Perhaps I shouldn't have said that, but I was just so drained emotionally by that time. Some days I feel like he is slowly breaking me apart and crushing me. Then there are the days where he is so sweet and good that I wonder if I imagine the bad times. I just keep telling myself that this too shall pass.(another momism)

I told my husband this year he had to figure out and get a gift for his mom. It was just too hard to try and think of a gift for my Mother-in-law (who has been really great) for Mother's Day when all I could do for my mom was lay flowers on her grave. I thought I would share a story with you about something that happened to me last week. My husband thinks it is just a coincidence, but I know it wasn't. I was tired, but could not sleep. Everyone was asleep, but my mind kept racing. I was thinking about my mom and was getting very upset. I came downstairs so I didn't wake my husband up because I was crying. Anyway I'm standing in the middle of the living room crying and saying mom, mom when I hear this song, it was like from a kid's toy. I of course started looking for it. I walk up the stairs into the bathroom where it is getting louder. I open the cabinet under the sink and start pulling stuff out. When I found what it was, it just stopped (you have to push a button to get it to stop). It was this calculator, alarm, calender thing my mom had given my son in the fall. I had tossed it under the sink months ago because the boys kept fighting over it. I have no other explanation why it would have gone off at that time and not any other night. I think it was her letting me know she was here.

I just when I think I have it together

BAM! I get smacked in the face.. I was doing good. Considering everything that I have been dealing with these last few months, I was doing real good. Today? Not so much. Wanna know why because the reality of my Mother being gone smacked me full force in the face. Not that I didn't know this fact, but that hurt was starting to heal and now I feel as if it has been ripped right open. Sunday is Mother's Day, yet I have no Mom to buy a gift for. No Mom to find that perfect card for to try and express all the I feel for her. Sure I can talk to her and she is always around me, etc, but that doesn't help. In the end the truth is that she is gone. So please for me this Mother's Day, give your Mom an extra tight hug. Pick out the most special card for her, maybe add our own special memory you have of her. Just make sure she knows how much you love her and forget your differences for at least one day. After all you will only have one mother. 

A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take.
~ Cardinal Mermillod

The moment a child

 is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new.  ~Rajneesh

God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.  ~Jewish Proverb

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.  ~Attributed to Claudia Ghandi

Me and my mom when I was 1 (Gotta love her pants. LOL)

I surrender.....

That is it, I throw up the proverbial white flag. I realized today that trying to keep a house and a small one at that with four children aged 7 and under clean at all times is a losing battle. So I give up. No, I won't stop cleaning or doing laundry. I am simply going to try giving up on constantly worrying about it. Why do I measure my worth as a mother and wife by how my house looks? I suppose it would be possible to keep the house clean all the time if I had live in help or perhaps if I get rid of the kids. Seeing as that neither one is going to happen I guess I will just live with it. I can clean from the time I wake up until the time I finally fall asleep and it still will not be good enough for me. So I surrender to the dishes in the sink, to the pile of towels, to the dust bunnies and to the dirty windows. I am going to enjoy my babies while I can. After all it isn't as if you are going to go anywhere. We all know you will still be around and when I come you had better watch out. You have may won this round, but I will win in the end. ;~P

Ahh the joys of boys....

My son decided to use my husband's electric razor and give himself a new do. Thankfully his hair was already short so it wasn't that big of a deal to even it out. I think he was trying for a reverse mohawk. At least it was my son and not daughter who decided to do this. It is much easier to shave off all of a boy's hair and not a girl's. We were able to get my son an appointment on June 8th at a Pediatric Developmental Center at Illinois Masonic Hospital in Chicago. We are really hoping to get some answers to his problems. I've been trying to be more patient with him, but some days it is a lot harder than others. By bedtime my patience is basically nonexistent, although it is primarily from taking care of four kids and chauffeuring the older two back and forth from school and not just from him. I don't know how my mom did it, she always seem to have it all together. She even had to work outside of the home at times and still she never seemed tired or impatient. I'm sure she felt it, but she rarely let it show. I guess it probably helped that by the time I arrived my older brothers were 10, 9, and 5. Quite a difference than my ages of 7, 5, and 2. LOL.

The kids have been sick again and no, not with the dreaded Swine Flu. They have just had a good dose of pick eye and colds. So far the baby has been okay. I told them they had to stay away from her, they were not even allowed to look in her direction. Okay maybe that was being a little dramatic, but I didn't want to take the chance. I'm hoping this is the last round of illness for them until next fall.

I can't believe that tomorrow marks 4 weeks since my little monkey arrived. Time flies so fast. Next Sunday is Mother's Day, I wonder how it will be. I just keep thinking that it will be the first one I don't have to buy a gift for my mom. My husband has to work that day so I plan on taking the kids to the cemetery to lay some flowers down and then maybe go visit with my mother in law. Hopefully the day will go good with few tears shed.

Email a friend just sent me.

This just about sums it up.

Before I was a Mom,  I never tripped over toys  or forgot words to a lullaby.  I didn't worry whether or not  my plants were poisonous.  I never thought about immunizations. Before I was a Mom,  I had never been puked on.  Pooped on.  Chewed on.  Peed on.  I had complete control of my mind  and my thoughts.  I slept all night. Before I was a Mom, I never held down a screaming child  so doctors could do tests.  Or give shots.  I never looked into teary eyes and cried.  I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.  I never sat up late hours at night  watching a baby sleep. Before I was a Mom,  I never held a sleeping baby just because  I didn't want to put her down.  I never felt my heart break into a million pieces  when I couldn't stop the hurt.  I never knew that something so small  could affect my life so much.  I never knew that I could love someone so much.  I never knew I would love being a Mom. Before I was a Mom,  I didn't know the feeling of  having my heart outside my body..  I didn't know how special it could feel  to feed a hungry baby.  I didn't know that bond  between a mother and her child.  I didn't know that something so small  could make me feel so important and happy. Before I was a Mom,  I had never gotten up in the middle of the night  every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.  I had never known the warmth,  the joy,  the love,  the heartache,  the wonderment  or the satisfaction of being a Mom.  I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,  before I was a Mom .