The phrase that makes me want to punch people in the face.

In your spare time today can you ______? You can fill that in as you choose, running an errand, making something, or making phone calls. Are you fucking kidding me? If I had spare time to do anything it would be to pee. Because chances are I haven't yet done that today.  People seriously don't understand what a day of a stay at home mom entails. If I am not taking care of kids, checking on my dad, taking care of the house, the animals, laundry, or volunteering at the kids' school I am trying to stay sane. Some days that in itself is a job.   I don't regret being a stay at home mom one bit especially now that I have found a network of women I can talk to. (One  reason why I volunteer at the school so much.) However it blows my mind when people actually think there is spare time to be had. Right now you may be trying to figure out how I can write this, well the kiddies are eating at the moment so I am taking a few moments to avoid the dishes to bitch.  The list of what goes to the back burner can go on and on, but I don't complain because it is what it is. I can't drop the kids off somewhere so I can have a day to myself and since my husband has to work every day so we can have silly things like gas, they are with me all the time. Why not do stuff at night? Because frankly by the time dinner is done I am so drained I don't even want to move my ass off the couch let alone go get my hair cut(it has only been 9 months) or go to the doctor. So I just keep moving forward as Dory says. Christmas , oops Winter Break is coming up so maybe I will schedule a hair cut then.

He's Baaack...

This is how we first found him.

Elvis our Elf on the Shelf that is. :) He hasn't been too mischievous yet, maybe he is just waiting for us to put up the Christmas decorations.

He must have met up with the Tooth Fairy and got Allison's money.

Hanging in my craft bin.

He was climbing up my cabinet. This f-ing picture will not upload right on here no matter how many times I try. 

A friend posted this on Facebook and it made me giggle.

There is not much more heartbreaking

than your father crying. It gets me every time he cries and most days I can hold my own tears back, today was not one of those days. He started telling me how he woke up at about 3:30 in morning and knew it was time to get to work, so he got up to put on his uniform but could not find it. After getting angry he sat on his couch for a bit and realized he was in one room. He yelled for my Mom a couple of times then after she didn't answer and his surroundings came into focus better he remembered it all. He remembered that she was gone, that he was no longer living in his home and that he was alone. I don't know many people who could have kept a dry eye after hearing that, Hell I can't even do it as I type. Of course I try to figure out a way to help him remember, but how would I do that? I already made him a photo album that has everyone's pictures with their names. There is a calendar with the month and day on it. Do I make a poster telling him who he is, where he is and that she is gone? I can't do that, his heart would break over and over again.  So I comfort him the best I can and tell him that it will be okay when in my heart I know it won't after all he is getting older and his memory keeps hiccuping on him.  I fear that there will come a day when he doesn't remember me. Getting old is a cruel thing. My dad has lived a hard life and his body is much older than its 69 years. How is it fair that you struggle to live life only to be robbed of your memories, health, and independence at the end?  I don't understand why your  life ends in basically the same way you began it, crawling.

Do you ever just feel like a complete failure?

That is me lately. *sigh* I feel like I am failing as a Mother, Wife, Daughter, Friend, everything. I try not to be hard on myself and try with all of my might to allow things to be good enough, but I can't I have this constant voice whispering in my head that I am doing good enough or doing enough. I try not to let it bother me, but lately more days than not it weighs me down. My house is in a perpetual chaos of clutter and mess. It doesn't matter how often I clean or how much stuff I get rid of or organized. I try not to use the excuse of a small house to explain the clutter. Seriously though, our place is about 1000 square feet, not a lot to house 2 adults, four kids, a dog, and 2 cats. So definitely not a whole lot of wiggle room.  I don't invite friends of my kids or Hell even my own over because it is so embarrassing. I have seen their beautiful clean, clutter free homes and cringe at what they are thinking when they come here. While I have fully accepted that this tiny place is ours for a very long time, I sometimes waiver and look over on the other side and see that the grass is a bit greener and they actually have one Hell of a yard unlike our sidewalk. I know a pity party will not help things, but sometimes it can't be helped. I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions that I can never do just one job great, instead I do them all half assed and definitely not good enough. Nothing will change anytime soon because I can't just quit any of my jobs, too many people rely on me. So I just need to accept that things will never live up to my standards and try to adjust them.

Just when you think you suck at parenting..

the kids prove you otherwise. With four kids aged 10 and younger you can imagine how crazy our home gets. There is almost always some sort of fight/disagreement going on. The place is a perpetual mess, no matter how often or how long I clean it. They come in like tiny tornadoes and undo all the hard work in a matter of hours. It is unusual for an hour to go by without someone screaming because someone is looking at them, hurt, or because someone got to the bathroom first. (Totally not kidding on that one!) Yesterday was the usual crap, but Allison and Nick got to spend the night at their Grandparents' which a rare treat.  Lauren got very upset and wanted Allison to stay home with her.  Alexander was also bummed that Nick wouldn't be on the top bunk that night in bed. So I took the two younger ones out for dinner and shakes to cheer them up. After we got home and bathed, I made some cookies and they got those too. They were super surprised because usually if they get a shake, that is it for the treats that night. Right before they were heading for their own sleepover, the phone rang. (The two of them were going to sleep in Allison's bed and watch a movie.) Allison was calling to say goodnight. She barely spoke to Andrew or myself before rushing us off so she could talk to Lauren and Alexander. She asked them about what we had done and gave them the okay to sleep in her bed. Nick was next to get on and spent more time talking to Alex and Lauren than he did us. When we woke up this morning, Lauren kept asking when we were getting Allison and Nick because she really missed them and wanted them home. When we went to pick them up, you would think it had been weeks in stead of 18 hours since the last time she had seen Allison.  So we must be doing something right for these kids who most of the time act like they would rather be only children, to miss each other so deeply. Now we are all back home and they lasted about 2 hours before the fighting started. However,  today I am trying not to let it bother me because I know deep down that they do really love each other and would be lost without them.

It is ADHD Awareness Week!

ADHD Awareness week goes from October 14th~20th, 2012.  This week is to shed light on this disorder that many people still believe is not a real. For a parent with ADHD, there is nothing more frustrating than feeling incompetent to "control" your ADHD child.  I know many people, family included still don't believe that Nick has it rather than it being a discipline problem. I've heard many comments including, if he was my kid and did that he would get his a** beat. Ok then, thanks for the input that wasn't asked for. People who do not have a kid with ADHD just Do.Not.Get.It.  I wish it was a discipline problem, it would probably be easier to "fix".  After all if it was because we don't discipline him properly, wouldn't the three other kids act about he same?  Believe me most days I wish he didn't have it, you can't imagine how emotionally draining it is to deal with this day in and day out. However I recognize that Nick is who he is because of the ADHD. If he didn't have it, maybe he wouldn't have the amazingly creative mind that he has. He can create and build things out of Legos that you can't even imagine! He sees a actual object, car, house, boat, train, etc and he will sit in his room for hours building it until it is just right. When he gets a new Lego set, he uses the directions one time to put the set together and after that, it is all in his mind.  On Friday he stayed in for recess with his teacher just to make me a very cute purse with duct tape that has magnets to close shut. I don't know many 9 year old boys who would choose to miss recess to make something for his Mom just because.  He is still really struggling in school, but we are trying everything to help him. I have even written to the Special Services to get him reassessed and possibly get his IEP back. As many people know I will fight for my kid and do what needs to do in order for him to do well in school. We have been blessed this year with an extraordinary teacher who after two days with him approached me and asked if the things she observed were his norm. She goes above and beyond for him and I am so grateful that we got her. I know she will fight for my child as hard as I will.

The things I wrote in THIS POST are still true today, with an update on the ages.


Here are 7 Important Facts about ADHD

Man, life got crazy!

In the months since the last blog, my life has become one Hell of a roller coaster. To make a long story short, my father became ill, was hospitalized, then in a rehab, and has moved. Phew. Those events all occurred from the second week of July up until two weeks ago! Throw in four kids, back to school, and back to work you can imagine how busy I have been. So now my Dad lives just minutes from me which is so much more convenient than the half hour he used to. I can check on him as often as I want and if he needs me, I can be there in five minutes. He is living in a retirement type housing. He has his own studio apartment, and so far he seems to like it. He goes to a dining room for three meals a day so I know he is at least getting out around other people 3 times a day unlike when he lived by himself at home and sat inside all day long by himself, not talking to anyone. I know this has been a huge adjustment for him, but so far so good. I was worried that the adjustment from the home he has lived in for over 35 years would have been very difficult, but he was ready and knew that he couldn't live by himself any longer. The thing he misses the most is his dog.  So hopefully I will get back to blogging, at least more than once every six months.

They thought I was joking.

Boy did I prove them wrong. It started out as a quick trip to Wal-Mart, no big deal, right? Well not today. I told them all to have a snack before we left to avoid the I'm hungry, can we buy every food in sight deal. All but #2 ate of course, he was too busy flipping out about some piping that he couldn't pull apart. I know you are thinking, well if he was already in a bad mood, why go? I will answer that, because he is in a perpetual bad mood over one thing or another and sometimes it just takes a change of scenery to snap him out of said shitty ass mood. Today apparently was not the day for that to work. It was one whine or complaint after another, then they were all fighting. I told them once if it didn't stop, we would leave. Guess what? We left our partially full cart(nothing inside was perishable)  in the fabric aisle. All throughout the store to the exit, there was crying and pleas to just go back and promises that the behavior would be better. I did not give in even though I really needed to get those things including a birthday gift for my niece and one for my husband. We came home, I fed them lunch and made them all go to their rooms where they will stay until the urge to throttle them goes away. They seriously thought I would turn around and go back in, but I didn't I had to hold my ground and teach them that I will follow through in what I say. So instead I will go this evening after my husband is home from work by myself and savior the quiet. I apologize to the employee who has to put my stuff away. If I hadn't left the store then I would have had a complete meltdown myself.

Good poem

I thought of you today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday and days before that too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.
All I have are memories and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake from which I’ll never part.
God has you in His arms, I have you in my heart.

- Unknown

Wow

Has it really been two months since I posted? I can't tell you how many times I sat down to post something, but didn't. Nothing seemed exactly post worthy. Life is hectic and I would be lying if I say some days I feel like I am barely holding my head above water. Sometimes I wish someone would call and offer to take the kids (Hell I would settle for one) for a few hours so I can get stuff done, but that won't happen. My kids have been out of school for over a month now and only my oldest has had one friend call to invite her to play.  I have explained to my kids' friends' parents that I generally don't invite kids over to play. Our house is bursting at the seams with just our four that adding one or two more might result in mass chaos. I never can predict what Nick's behavior is going to like and it is just easier to not even bother to try. I feel like I am doing my kids a huge disservice, but what is the other option? Invite kids over and take the chance that Nick is going to have one of his blow ups? I would rather not even take the chance. Nick really has no friends and boy do I hear about it when on the rare occasion Allison goes to her friends house. I don't call parents and invite my kids to their house. They way I look at it, if they don't call they don't want other kids over. It doesn't help that our place is sort of secluded and we have no kids around us. I am just extremely grateful the four kids have each other. They may drive each other nuts often but they enjoy playing with each other. Ugh, see why I said there was no point in me posting anything. :>/