I've been missing my mom a lot lately.

I mean, I always miss her, but when she passed away  a hole formed in my heart that will never close. I think that is probably what happens when someone you love dies, they take a part of you with them. Life has been, well, life. What more can I say? The month is flying by so fast and before I know it the holidays will be here. Yikes. I think that is part of what has me missing her so much. Even though this will be second holiday season she won't be here, it feels very much like the first time. Last year I was numb I guess you could say, but now the pain is seeping in. I have been having more panic attacks than usual and I know a lot has to do with the feelings of grief that threaten to take over, but I try to repress for the sake of my family. I hate going to my parents' house. I mean I truly hate it and just the thought of going there causes the panic to rise. I still go once a week to see my dad and help out around the house as much as I can. The entire time I am there however I keep looking at the clock and wondering how fast I can duck out. I don't know how he can stand living there alone. I am always on edge and short with the kids when we are there. My mom brought so much life and happiness into the house that now it just seems like an empty shell. When we would walk in she would always have a smile even when she was sick. I would go over there and stay all day on Saturdays. My husband works a second job, so it was a good way to break up the day. The kids and I would go over and clean the house and just hang out. That is probably why I may be the only person who dreads the weekends. Saturdays just seem to stretch forever. While I enjoy not having to worry about get lunches made at 7am or the fights about getting ready, I find myself to this day going to call her. Because if I wasn't at her house on Saturdays, you can bet I was on the phone multiple times with her.  I am not saying that I don't have people to talk to, I do but most of them are busy with their own families and husbands on the weekends and I hate to bother them. Thankfully my mother in law doesn't mind my calls. Last weekend she came over to help me with the house. I was feeling so overwhelmed and was having such a bad panic attack. I feel sorry for people who don't like their in-laws. Mine are great even though they can get on my nerves, but no more than my own parents and siblings do. ☺

                                           Here is my mom and me at my preschool graduation. ♡