Strong

One of the definitions of this word is not mild or weak. It is a word that many people have used to describe me and what I have gone through the last couple of months. I don't see it. I just do what needs to be done. On the outside I may appear to be strong to people, but on the inside I feel like I'm barely holding on. My mom has been gone from the Earth a month now. The pain has lessened, but she will never be forgotten. I think of her many times a day, but now I can think of her without feeling that sharp pain in my heart. That doesn't mean that I don't miss her, because I do. Just the other day I picked up the phone to call and tell her something before my brain kicked into gear and reminded me I couldn't call her. I still talk to her, I just don't get a response. 

Many of you don't know, but my older son has a lot of behavior issues. He is 5 1/2 and basically runs our house with his moods. He has been seeing a therapist since December, but that isn't working. We are trying to get him into a new doctor but with our insurance that has been tough. We may end up paying out of pocket to see one. Next year he will be going into Special Ed Kindergarten because he has a non specific developmental delay. Just the other day he said the entire alphabet without messing up for the first time. We were all so excited. He gets frustrated easily and tends to throw violent temper tantrums. He isn't a bad kid, he just can't control himself at times. We have tried just about everything under the sun to try and get him to change his behavior, but with no luck. Now we are thinking that there is something wrong in his brain, perhaps a chemical imbalance that is causing it. Life is very stressful, but what can I do? This was the hand I was dealt so I just have to push forward. It is very hard some days to keep hope that someday he will be better, think that he will be the sweet funny kid that we all know and love and his Jekyll side will be gone.  

As a mother I worry that maybe it was something I did to cause this. Maybe I ate something I shouldn't have while pregnant. I did not breastfeed him, could that have been the cause? He was born three weeks early and just eighteen months after my daughter, should there have been a bigger gap? Perhaps my body hadn't fully recovered and lacked certain nutrients. Maybe I should have read to him more, rocked him more, played with him more, perhaps cooked my own baby food. The what ifs will slowly drive me crazy if I let them. I try not to think about them, but every once and a while they creep up and a little voice whispers that they way he is is my fault. 

Little Lauren is growing in leaps and bounds. Last week I had to take her into the doctor and she was already up to 8 lbs 4 oz. I guess that means the girls are working right. LOL Poor baby has a hemangioma in the crack of her behind and it sometimes bleeds. It doesn't seem to cause her any pain, which is a relief. I have to take her into a plastic surgeon to see if anything needs to be done with it.