It is still feels like it was yesterday

when in fact it was six years ago. I remember going to my parents home that morning to sit with my mom. As soon as I walk into the house I knew something had changed. It was as if the energy had disappeared. I went about the day talking to my dad and brothers. I sat with her and talked to her, I rubbed lotion on her feet, I watched a movie with her and I even updated my friends on what was going on.  My mom's best friend from childhood and her daughter and daughter in law came to visit. I remember standing next to my mom commenting that I wasn't even thirty, this shouldn't be happening. I also remember making the comment to her that my Mom was no longer there, she had already moved on and it was just her body waiting to catch up. This made her mad and I remember her telling me that I shouldn't say that because my mom could hear me. I remember her standing next to my mom rubbing her hair trying to get her to open her eyes. Eyes that had been shut for over 24 hours at that point.  I also remember the baby inside me rolling around and kicking assuring me that I had to stay strong. I remember forcing myself to eat even though that was the last thing I wanted to do. I remember my brother coming with his family and me telling them she hadn't open her eyes and would never again. I remember the conversation I had with my other brother about how we knew it was her time and he was wondering why she was waiting. Just like that, I knew. I told him she was waiting for me to go home. My mom would not want me there when her body finally got the hint that it was time to stop fighting. My mom who was more than a mother, but my best friend still was looking out for me and protecting me as she had for so many years. My mom would not want me there when it happened and she would not have wanted me to drive the 20 minute drive home by myself after she passed. So after a bit, I kissed my mom, told her I loved her and whispered in her ear that it was ok to go. I assured her I would be ok and I asked her to look over my baby. I hugged my dad and brothers and drove home. Shortly after arriving home, I got into bed and started to fall asleep when she came to me. I remember telling her that I couldn't have the baby until I knew she was ok. She told me she loved me and I woke up to a phone call. Shortly after midnight on the 26th, my brother went to check on her and discovered she had passed. Being the type of mom she was she wanted to make sure no one was there to have to witness that. She waited until they had stepped out of the house for some air before she took her final breath. I told him I already knew because she had come to me. I remember being numb after that phone call and just sitting on the couch in the dark. I knew I had to let my babies know that their Grandma Ida was gone. That was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. I struggled with guilt for a long time because I wasn't there when it happened. Hell, every so often it still creeps up on me. However, I know my mom wouldn't have wanted us to be the last memory of her. She protected us until she drew her last breath.

Reunited again

 Four years, one month and one day after my Mom passed away, my Dad followed her.  He never stopped missing her and gave up his will to live when we lost her. I think for him his cancer diagnosis was almost a relief because he realized it wouldn't be long before he saw her again. My Dad and I had a complicated relationship to say the least. As a kid I really disliked him as an adult I learned to accept him for the way he was and eventually totally loved him. His final moments are something I will never forget and I keep going over them in my head. Should I have stayed right next to him, was it wrong I was sitting away from him watching tv? He was sleeping finally after almost three days so I didn't think he would have passed so fast. My father had a lot of fear those last couple of days. I am sure anyone who is facing death would be fearful of the unknown. The thing that gives me solace is knowing my mom was waiting for him. He told me he could hear her calling for him to come now. He asked me if it was mean for him to want to go with her instead of stay with us and I assured him it wasn't. A joker to the end, as I sat next to him crying, he gave me a hug and told me he loved me then he proceeded to grab my nose and pretend like his thumb was my nose between his fingers. A little after that when my brother arrived, he was sitting in his bed making faces at me. That was my dad, always getting someone to laugh, the perpetual clown. I will miss him more than I thought possible. Where my days were filled with thoughts of him or being with him, there is now an empty void.

Answering questions

So things have been in sort of a holding pattern with dad. He is on palliative care for now, but I think we may be moving him to hospice soon. I really appreciate people asking me about him and myself, but there are days when I am just so tired of talking about it. Lately when someone asks how he is, I reply "he's alive." I think they get a bit annoyed, but in reality people do not want to hear the truth. They don't want to know that he is dying a slow agonizing death. That he rarely has an appetite and when he does eat,  he often chokes on the food because the cancer is slowly closing his esophagus. They don't want to know that he is choosing not to have a feeding tube put in place so all we have left to do is to watch him starve to death, he's lost 6 pounds in a month and I am sure there is more to come. He is now a shell of the man he used to be and hates the fact that he has to be a burden to us.(We do not feel he is a burden, that is his own thoughts.)  He is often confused and at times am not sure who I am or where he is. He is sick of living and wants to die. So that is how he is.

When I am asked how I am, I never really know what to say because people don't really like to know the ugly truth. The truth is that I am scared to death. I am stretched to the limit and it takes all I have to hold it together. I am so thankful for my kids and niece during the day because without them to care for I would fall apart. I don't want to lose my dad even if he tends to be a crazy, cranky old man. You never know how important your parents are until you have lost one. I pray every day that he goes quickly and peacefully yet I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because I am basically praying for his death. I don't want to watch him die, but I will also not allow him to do it alone. He misses me when I am not there and I have come to need that time with him as much as he needs me to be there. I feel guilt because I don't have the time, home, or resources to care for him. I feel bad when I can't make it by him for a day or two. I feel like a horrible parent and wife because everything in my life is lacking in some way. So when asked how I am, I say fine because otherwise I will completely fall apart.

Thanks

I just wanted to thank everyone for your support during this difficult time. We are all coping as well as can be. Some days are good for me, some not so much. I told my kids last weekend what was happening. They were upset, but I felt they needed to be prepared. It was the first of two difficult conversations I will have about my dad to them.  I have been hanging out with my dad for a couple hours every night. Most of the time he watches TV while I crochet (my new hobby) or read. I know he just likes to have another person with him and doesn't need a running dialogue. He is in a rehab place right now, but will eventually be moved to my brother's home to be cared for until the end. We felt it was better for him to be surrounded by family than strangers in his last weeks or months. It is going to be hard for me though. He has been minutes from me for months now and soon he will be almost 1/2 hour away, which really isn't that far, but when you have four young kids, that hour traveling is a lot. If we could have him stay with us, I wouldn't hesitate. I am so used to being his care taker or keeper as I fondly refer to it, that it is going to be very hard for me to give up that control. Although I will get updates and have information about him, I will not know everything. However as I have said before our house is tiny and it is just not possible for him to stay here. He has come to terms with what will happen and although he has not given up on life just yet, he is accepting. To everyone who tells me to let them know if I need anything or if they can do anything, thanks. Although don't count on me calling or asking. I know, I know I should ask for help when it is needed, but I won't. That is just the person I am. However you can continue to pray for him and our family as we deal with this.

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown

When time is ticking away,

you can't help but wish it would slow down. He was told yesterday three months, maybe up to six. I've known this for a while in my heart and after speaking with the doctor the other day. In my gut I don't think he will make it to April, but he has surprised us so many times he will probably prove me wrong. :) He was pretty calm telling me this while I visited him last night. I already knew so I was able not to become a blubbering mess. I mean we are all going to die, it is just a fact of life, but now all of  a sudden I feel like there is this gigantic clock ticking away over our heads. He is ready even though he is scared. He wants to be with my mom and to feel better. I am spending as much time as I can with him without neglecting my family, although I can't say the same for my house. The house is the least of my worries right now and if anyone has an issue they can kiss my ass. No one can ever understand what I am dealing with unless they too have dealt with it and even then we all have different circumstances.

I am so thankful for my in laws who have been able to care for the kids at a moment's notice even though they are dealing with an ailing family member. I am thankful for my "computer" friends who have been an continuous source of support, for my real life friends who always ask if I am ok, how he is, or just being the person on the other end of the phone I can vent to. I am thankful for my amazing husband who held me up when I was losing my mom and is doing the same while I deal with this. He understands when sometimes I just don't want to talk because I am all talked out. Also for my family who help as much as they can. You really find out who your true friends are when you deal with something like this.

Today would have been my parent's 48th anniversary. They only have one picture of their wedding, thankfully it turned out good. ;)

My dad is dying.

There, I said it even though it is hard to utter those words out loud. It is amazing that I started this blog because of a shocking pregnancy and I needed an outlet to talk, then the death of my Mom, my own health issues and now my dad.

 He was diagnosed with Esophageal cancer in 2001, but after chemo and radiation he was doing well and was considered in remission for many years, until this past July.  It started with him having a hard time eating and throwing up. I brought him to the doctor to see if it was a recurrence which was what I thought. At first glance there was no tumor, but the doctor did a biopsy around the previous area to see. It came back positive. We also found out that he has a very small aneurysm in his aorta starting which can't be fixed because of where the cancer is. He opted not to do treatments this time around. He lost his will to live the day my Mom died. He ended up having a stent put in his lower esophagus because the cancer was closing his esophagus making it hard for him to eat or swallow.  In the meantime, we had to move him out of his house to a retirement type place because he just was not able to live by himself and he couldn't afford someone to live with him 24/7 to care for him. He seemed to be doing well, he made friends and was even going on some of the outings. However, his health started to nose dive again, he developed pneumonia and his congestive heart failure was irritated. We got that cleared up and he started having problems swallowing again which meant another stent had to be placed.  We did that and I ended up having to take him to the hospital for extreme weakness, he couldn't even sit up unassisted for more than a couple of minutes before he fell back. They found he was dehydrated and kept him to pump his fluids back up. He was doing better and was supposed to go home today, but the doctor called to tell me he got worse overnight and he was sending him for a ct scan of his head and back since he was unable to sit up again.

There is nothing I can do but be there for him. He is so tired of living in his body that is giving out on him. He cries and tells me he just wants to go to sleep and never wake up. What do you say to that? He is debating between hospice and something called palliative care which is basically the step before hospice. I want him to choose palliative care, but in the end it is his choice.

My dad and I had our differences when I was growing up, Hell you can even say I hated him, but I have learned long ago  to let go of that. He raised us the way he was raised, he didn't know any better. I am not saying I don't still suffer the scars from his hurtful words, but I am moving on. The thing that strikes me funny is how so many people including the doctors and nurses tell me what a great thing it is that I am taking care of him. I find this unbelievable. I am doing what needs to be done. I am fulfilling my promise I made to my Mom to take care of him and I will keep doing it until he dies. So I am asking all of you to please pray for him, that he finds the peace he deserves.

When it is time for me to die

I hope it is quick. As much as my Mom's death was quick and almost unexpected I have come to learn that it was for the best. Watching a love one die a slow agonizing death and not being able to do anything is horrible. I lose a little piece of myself everyday that I have to see him in pain.