So, my feelings have been hurt.

I haven't been blogging because I don't have a lot to say or I have so much I can't get it straight in my head. That being said, my feelings got hurt a while back and for some reason I just can't get over it. It was by a friend after my dad passed and I am sure it wasn't intentional, but in a way that makes it 100 times worse. I might feel better if this person didn't call or contact me in the days, weeks, even months following his passing because they weren't sure what to say, instead I believe in my heart it was more of a case of not really caring. My loss of someone who they knew I used to hate was just a teeny blip on their radar. Perhaps this person thought I was better off now that he was gone, I don't know and perhaps never will. I know we are told to forgive and in time I can but I will never forget. Right now the wound is still too fresh.

My advice if you don't want to lose true friend, when a friend loses someone reach out somehow, a call, email, text, hell even a facebook message just letting them know you are thinking and praying for them makes a world of difference. Do it sooner rather than later too because by the time months have passed and you have finally decided to call, it may be too late.

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.  ~William Blake,

I feel guilty.

I have a huge amount of guilt lately because I often still feel a deep ache from my mom being gone, but with my dad it isn't as painful. I mean she has been gone for 4 years and he has only been gone for just for 4 months. I think a lot has to do with the fact that my mom and I were so close that it was literally like losing a part of myself. Perhaps it was because the loss of my mom was quick and rather unexpected while with my dad we had 9 months to kind of prepare. Though you can never truly be prepared for losing a loved one no matter how much time you have. I am not saying that I don't miss him, because I really do, the 4th of July was a hard day for me and of course I was just a bitch that day. For the last 6 years or so my parents came with us to my in laws for the 4th for a barbecue. I remember the first 4th without mom it rained most of the day and I remember my Dad saying it was her crying because she couldn't be with us. I guess in a way I thought this year would perhaps rain but instead it was a beautiful day. I feel bad for the people who had to deal with me that day. lol I never did voice why I was in such a bad mood because it took a while for me to even wrap my head around why I was so angry.

Is it the middle of July already?!

This summer has been crazy busy. Right after school got out, we went on a two week vacation. We went to Disneyworld for a week then to a beautiful beach house in Hernando Beach, Florida. Our house was right on the Gulf of Mexico.  Let me tell, I took way too many pictures! Then again, can you really take too many pictures of a special vacation? I spent countless hours with my girls get signatures of every princess and even two fairies, along with all the traditional Disney characters. Even though Disney is quite the money sucking place, it was worth it to see my kids get so excited to see their favorite characters. We've been home a month now and they still talk about it daily. Our house in Hernando was just a great. We got to see lizards, dolphins, stingrays, fish, and even jellyfish. My kids were amazed to be able to look out the windows and watch s small dolphin pod swimming around and literally throwing fish up into the air using their tails. We also got to visit with my brother and his family who live in Florida. It was great being able to see them, in a happy setting and not because of death.

After we got back for Florida, Lauren started in summer school and I got my first taste of teaching at our church's summer religious education program. Even though at times they were exasperating, I really enjoyed myself. It was nice to get out and actually feel like I was doing something worthwhile. I finally could relax a bit now that both summer schools are over. That is as much relaxing as anyone with kids can. If you click on the pictures, they get bigger. :)

The guys went on a canoe ride and came across manatees. 

The water was so clear you could see the fish.

View of the Gulf from the back of the house.

I named this guy Larry the Lizard, he kept me company while I read. 

Jellyfish, toward the middle of the picture.

My advice, take pictures!

I'm sure you are wondering what I am talking about. As I was putting together picture collages with my nieces after my dad passed, I realized there weren't many pictures of him and I past the age of 5. Perhaps it was because I didn't want to take pictures or the cost of developing was too much or perhaps he didn't want his picture taken anymore. I then thought about how many pictures of me with my kids there are and there really aren't a lot. A lot of the time I am the one behind the camera or I hate the way I look so I refuse to take a picture. However I realize now that when my kids are older they won't care what I looked like in the pictures. They will perhaps see a picture of us and remember a fun time we shared together. Remember to take pictures of your kids with their grandparents too! The day after my dad passed Nick immediately asked me for a picture of him and Papa together. Thankfully, Alexander had snapped pictures with his little camera a few months before otherwise there would not have been any individual pictures of my dad with Nick. So the next time you are together and you are the one taking pictures, ask someone to snap a picture of you and your kids. I guarantee you won't regret capturing a memory to look back on.

“What I like about photographs is that they capture a moment that’s gone forever, impossible to reproduce.” ― Karl Lagerfeld

Mom, Me, & Dad

A great quote!

So I love quotes, you can ask any of my Facebook friends, I often post them.  Sometimes a quote can sum up your feelings more than a long paragraph. So I was on on of my favorite sites just checking on quotes and came across this one. One of my favorite sites.

 “Hearing him talk about his mother, about his intact family, makes my chest hurt for a second, like someone pierced it with a needle.” 
― Veronica Roth, Divergent

This quote sums up how I feel every time someone talks about their parents. I don't want people to stop talking to me about their parents, but it brings its own special pain. It is a pain that you can not understand until you have lost a parent. Sure I can still talk about mine, but it is all about things in the past. I will no longer talk about the goofy conversation I had with my mom or complain about my dad make stupid remarks about my cooking. All I have are memories both good and bad to cherish. 

The last couple of months have been rough around here. Not only did I lose my dad, but my husband lost one of his close friends a mere 10 days after my dad. She was a wonderful young woman and I am still in disbelief she is gone. She was a young woman who to me had a larger than life personality, she had her whole life ahead of her. We always ask why in times like this, why is it the young who are so full of life and potential seem to be taken from us so soon? I think in a way these people know somehow that their time on this Earth is limited more so than most people and they know they need to live everyday as if it their last. I will never forget her awesome smile that was always present on her face and her bubbly personality. 

The ache from missing my mom is present everyday and more so these last months. I long to be able to pick up the phone and talk to her about what is happening to share my worries with her. She had a way of giving advice and support without it being pushy.

My advice if you still have parents, cherish them. Even the days they are assholes and you want to never talk to them again. Remember too that they aren't only your parents, but people with their own issues. You may think you know everything going on with them, but you never can because no matter how old you are, your parents will try to protect you from the bad things. Once they are gone, that is it and you don't want to regret never forgiving them or trying to get to know them as a person. Life is too short, so call your dad, send your mom flowers just because, but please don't waste your time with them. 

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

When times get tough

you learn who your true friends are. I said before when my mom passed and I will say it again now. I learned who I can really lean on when things are at their worst. They are the people who often asked how my dad was even if I never brought up the subject of him. They are the ones who texted, called, or facebook messaged me after he passed just to say sorry or offer some support.  I was shocked and humbled at the show of support we have received from friends.  Just a simple call, text, or email was enough to show me the someone actually cared about what I was going through. I was also shocked at the people who I had assumed would be the ones for me that failed me. However life goes on and I realize that not everyone knows how to react in a situation like this. I just hope when they are in a similar situation that they realize how their behavior or lack of it can deeply wound a person. I am just happy for those who did show they cared and grateful that I have a great group of people behind me holding me up with their support.

“In times of grief and sorrow I will hold you and rock you and take your grief and make it my own. When you cry I cry and when you hurt I hurt. And together we will try to hold back the floods to tears and despair and make it through the potholed street of life” ~Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

Reunited again

 Four years, one month and one day after my Mom passed away, my Dad followed her.  He never stopped missing her and gave up his will to live when we lost her. I think for him his cancer diagnosis was almost a relief because he realized it wouldn't be long before he saw her again. My Dad and I had a complicated relationship to say the least. As a kid I really disliked him as an adult I learned to accept him for the way he was and eventually totally loved him. His final moments are something I will never forget and I keep going over them in my head. Should I have stayed right next to him, was it wrong I was sitting away from him watching tv? He was sleeping finally after almost three days so I didn't think he would have passed so fast. My father had a lot of fear those last couple of days. I am sure anyone who is facing death would be fearful of the unknown. The thing that gives me solace is knowing my mom was waiting for him. He told me he could hear her calling for him to come now. He asked me if it was mean for him to want to go with her instead of stay with us and I assured him it wasn't. A joker to the end, as I sat next to him crying, he gave me a hug and told me he loved me then he proceeded to grab my nose and pretend like his thumb was my nose between his fingers. A little after that when my brother arrived, he was sitting in his bed making faces at me. That was my dad, always getting someone to laugh, the perpetual clown. I will miss him more than I thought possible. Where my days were filled with thoughts of him or being with him, there is now an empty void.

Answering questions

So things have been in sort of a holding pattern with dad. He is on palliative care for now, but I think we may be moving him to hospice soon. I really appreciate people asking me about him and myself, but there are days when I am just so tired of talking about it. Lately when someone asks how he is, I reply "he's alive." I think they get a bit annoyed, but in reality people do not want to hear the truth. They don't want to know that he is dying a slow agonizing death. That he rarely has an appetite and when he does eat,  he often chokes on the food because the cancer is slowly closing his esophagus. They don't want to know that he is choosing not to have a feeding tube put in place so all we have left to do is to watch him starve to death, he's lost 6 pounds in a month and I am sure there is more to come. He is now a shell of the man he used to be and hates the fact that he has to be a burden to us.(We do not feel he is a burden, that is his own thoughts.)  He is often confused and at times am not sure who I am or where he is. He is sick of living and wants to die. So that is how he is.

When I am asked how I am, I never really know what to say because people don't really like to know the ugly truth. The truth is that I am scared to death. I am stretched to the limit and it takes all I have to hold it together. I am so thankful for my kids and niece during the day because without them to care for I would fall apart. I don't want to lose my dad even if he tends to be a crazy, cranky old man. You never know how important your parents are until you have lost one. I pray every day that he goes quickly and peacefully yet I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because I am basically praying for his death. I don't want to watch him die, but I will also not allow him to do it alone. He misses me when I am not there and I have come to need that time with him as much as he needs me to be there. I feel guilt because I don't have the time, home, or resources to care for him. I feel bad when I can't make it by him for a day or two. I feel like a horrible parent and wife because everything in my life is lacking in some way. So when asked how I am, I say fine because otherwise I will completely fall apart.

Finally Validated

I finally feel validated for all my worries and suspicions concerning Nick. At his last doctor's appointment, the psychiatrist finally admitted that she believes he is on the Autism spectrum and is sending him for further testing and an official diagnosis! While in my head I was yelling "Well, DUH!" My heart was hurting a bit because everything I have thought about him was true and I wasn't just being an over analyzing parent. I knew there was something different about him when he was 19 months old and put his head through a bedroom door out of frustration. Did you notice that I didn't say I knew something was wrong with him? Because there is nothing wrong with my son, he is just a little different as we all are in our own way. As I told his doctor that Nick is just Nick and we will deal with whatever comes the same way we have been dealing with it. Today is World Autism Awareness Day so in honor of that day, I am posting a website so you can inform yourself more about Autism.
What is Autism?

I broke my son.

My beautiful, happy, fun loving little boy is broken and it is my fault. You see Alexander has always had a bit of anxiety. When you have an older brother with ADHD, ODD, sensory issues and possible Autism, you learn that life can be crazy and not always in a good way. Especially when that brother constantly threatens running away. Every time Nick would go into a fit as we call it, I would see Alex slowly inch his way to stand in front of the door in case this was the time Nick was really going to follow through. Well, it got better while Nick still has fits, he has stopped threatening running away. Alex is always worried about the dog running away because if she is off her leash she takes off, however she has always come back. The damn dog is afraid of her own shadow so she wouldn't get far. He has gotten better about that but you can see the effort it takes him not to panic when she goes by the door without a leash on. So here comes the part where I broke him. When I talked to my kids last month about my dad's health, I inadvertently added more anxiety to my baby. Ever since,  he has had extreme separation anxiety when it comes to me. He wouldn't even go on an outing with his Grandparents because I was not going and had made himself sick to his stomach. Now, it is rolling over to school and every morning he is sick to his stomach and close to tears. Yesterday afternoon he found out I would be gone all weekend and the poor guy was up all night with stomach pain because I won't be here. I kept him home from school thinking that perhaps it was a real stomachache, but an hour after the other kids were at school, he was perfectly fine. He ate breakfast with no issue and went back to annoying his sister. I called the school and got the ok to bring him in. As soon as he realized he was going to school, he had stomach pain, got extremely upset and cried all the way there. I offered to give him something of mine to keep in his pocket, but he said it would make him sadder. So like in the book The Kissing Hand, I gave his hand a big kiss and told him to squeeze it tight if he got upset and missed me. It took all the strength I had to make him go to school, but I know I wasn't doing anyone any favors by allowing him to give in to the anxiety and stay home. I am hoping that perhaps this weekend's trip will help with the anxiety when he sees me come home Sunday, maybe then he will realize the I am not going anywhere for a long time.