So I am one of those parents.

I swore I would never be one, but I should know better than to say never when it comes to anything child rearing related. Yes, I am over the moon that today is the first day of school for frick and frack. I swear I thought I was going to lose my mind these last couple of weeks. All they did was fight and argue. I finally gave up and quit trying to break them up and you know what happened? They eventually stopped beating the snot out of each other and played nicely. It is times like this that I really miss my mom. I wish I could call her and ask what she did with my siblings when they fought. Today marks the fifth month since she grew her angel wings and I am actually doing good. It was raining this morning, perhaps it was mom crying because she wasn't with us today. My daughter thinks that when it rains it is because Grandma misses us.

I am very happy that we had no tears this first day of school. I was a little nervous because frack has to take a bus to his school, but he was fine. He climbed right up and sat down in his seat then waved with a big grin on his face. He really thinks he is something special because he gets to ride a bus everyday and his sister does not. Frick shed no tears either as she walked to her building. For Kindergarten it took over two months before she stopped crying in the morning, 1st grade 2 weeks, and now she is in 2nd grade no tears, she didn't even want or need me to walk her to the door. When I asked her if she wanted me to walk her, she just said "No mom, that's okay, I'll be fine." As proud as I am that she was okay, I think part of me misses the sweet little girl who cried when she had to separate from me.

Goodbye 0-3 months. :(

Sigh.. the time has come to get rid of most of Lauren's 0-3 month size. I know, you are thinking, geez, it is only clothes but it isn't. For me is symbolizes the last time I will ever have a newborn, the last time I will put on one of those teeny tiny onesies. I was just getting used to the fact that she was no longer in newborn size diapers (ok she has been out of them for a while. LOL) and now this. She is already able to get herself on her side, I can't believe how the time is flying by. I try to hold on it, but it just keeps slipping through my hands. I was talking to her last night explaining that she just had to slow down because mommy wasn't ready for her to get big and she looked at me, smiled and laughed. What a stinker. I cherish every moment I have with my children and hope when I am old and gray I will not look back to their childhood and think I should have... 

I am in awe at the amount of people who are amazed that I am a mother to four kids. I often hear, "I don't know how you do it." Well, the truth is, I don't know how I do it either. I just get through everyday the best I can. I have no choice I am mom, mommy, momma, sometimes I would like to change that name, but for the most part I hold those names close to my heart. Sure my house isn't as clean as I would like, there is a constant flow of dirty laundry and dishes, but what can you do? Unless you are lucky enough to employ a house full of workers to get things done, you just push on. 

We go next week for my son's testing and hopefully some sort of diagnosis. Things with him haven't been too bad, or perhaps I have just grown numb to his issues. I'm not in denial of the way he is, I am just worn out. The constant fights and arguing leave me completely exhausted by the end of the day. He would make a great sales man. We are constantly bargaining with him If we say two cookies, he asks for four, we say ten more minutes of play, he says 20. It can get frustrating, but at the same time I find it somewhat amusing. 

BTW, I can not believe that it is already July 11th! This summer is flying by fast, good because the kids will both be in school full time come August, but bad because that means my husband will be back to work. I wonder how clean my house will be with two kids gone all day...  Ha! Who am I kidding? 

Happy Anniversary to me.

well I guess and my hubby. :o) It has been 8 years, the time has really flown by. Obviously by our brood we have been busy. ;o) My husband is a great guy and I'm not just biased. He tries to do anything that will make me happy. When I am down in the dumps, he tries to make it better. I don't know what I would have done without him these last six months. He truly is my rock. I wish that everyone could know love like I do. I'm sure I don't tell him enough how much I love him and how awesome he is, but do we ever tell those that mean the most that? 

Lauren's baptism went well. She was the only baby that cried. I probably could have stopped her by whipping out one of the girls, but I was uncomfortable with showing God and the rest of the church my goods.  LOL I had it together until we were on the way to the church, then I started thinking about my mom. I thought I was doing good, I had tears rolling down my face as we walked into church, but I thought I could compose myself. HA! That was until I saw my oldest brother, then the flood gates could not keep shut anymore. I cried while he held me and told me it was okay. I know she was there with us, it was just hard. After I got it out of my system, everything went well. The service was nice and we went back to my parents for a small impromptu party. 

Wow, June 20th already?

This year is passing on by fast. Little Miss is almost 11 weeks old! Tomorrow is her baptism. She will be baptised in the same church I was baptised and in the same gown. It is the church I made all of my sacraments, where I got married, where my other children were baptised and where we had my mom's funeral service. The last occasion was not a happy one, so I want, no I need to have a happy memory there again. I know my mom will be there with us, watching over us. The days are getting better. I still have pretty rough ones, but the images of her sick in the hospital and ultimately dying, are fading and being replaced by memories of Christmas, birthdays, and camping. I remember her teaching me how to make kolacki in the kitchen. I remember going to midnight mass at church with her and her having to wake me up at the end of service because I fell asleep. I hold onto these memories like cherished stones and I pull one out and hold onto it whenever I need to.

We will be bringing Thing 2 back on July 14th for testing to see what his diagnosis is. I do know that we are probably looking at a diagnosis of O.D.D and who knows what else. You can go here to find out some more information about it. http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_with_oppositional_defiant_disorder

The description of this fits him to a "T" he has every symptom. I love hm to death, but some days it is very hard. I know God gave him to us for a reason, perhaps he thinks we could handle it or maybe he just thinks it is funny. What ever the reason, we will keep pushing forward and helping him as much as possible while trying not to go crazy ourselves.

2 months, 1 week and 1 day

since I lost an important piece of me. I forget sometimes and pick up the phone to call and talk, yet you aren't there any more to answer. You are on my mind constantly. My thoughts keep racing from the last conversation we had, to the last time I saw your smile, to the last time I hugged you. Did I let you know enough how much I loved you and how much you meant to me? Was I a good enough daughter, did I make you proud? I miss you so much sometimes that I physically hurt. It is not fair, I still need you. I know it wasn't your decision to go, you were needed elsewhere, but couldn't that have waited just a little longer? I am not angry that you are gone, just confused why it had to be so soon. Surely I could have had a little more time. Why couldn't you have held my baby in your arms and told me how beautiful she is? I need my mom to talk to about my little boy, no one else will do. Am I doing the right thing? Will it get better? I need to hear you say "This too shall pass." I just need you.

I knew it was too good to be true.

I was hoping Lauren would be safe from getting sick. I must have thought that my milk have superhuman qualities that would cast invisible shield around her and the germs. It didn't matter how much I disinfected or kept the kids away from her, she still got sick. She has a cold, but thankfully it is not in her chest. She has been sleeping decent, but I'm not. Insomnia seems to strike me at the oddest times. Why is it when she is sleeping soundly I can't sleep yet when she is awake I am dozing? The other night I must have been extremely exhausted because I woke up at 6 am with her in my bed and my breast out. *giggle* I don't even know when I got her out of her cradle. I hope the poor thing at least got to nurse before she fell back asleep. I of course had to change the sheets because I leaked all over the bed, her and myself. Eww, gross, I know. On a happier note, she has been awarding my with some great smiles. She gave me her first real smile at about 2am on Mother's Day. What a wonderful gift to get! 

My son's behavior is getting increasingly worse and I am getting more depressed because of it. We are virtual hostages in out home because of him. I pray to God that we get some real answer come June 8th to help our family that seems to be slowly falling apart. It is amazing the power a five year old has over our lives. Oh and for those of you who may think that it is just a behavioral issue, it isn't, there has got to be more going on. His older sister is not like that so it has to be him and not just that we as parents suck monkey balls. 

I'm really missing my mom today. I want to call and talk to her so bad it physically hurts. This quote is so true ~ "It's so curious:  one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses."  ~Colette

Finally! Spring is in the air.

With the arrival of nicer weather also comes the arrival of the constant in and out of the door. Why can't kids stay outside for 15 minutes without having to come in for one thing or another? I find myself saying something I remember my mother telling me.."If you come in one more time, you are staying in. " *giggle* I remember as a kid wondering my my constant in and out was such a big deal, but now as a mother I do.

The few days leading up to Mother's Day was for obvious reasons hard on me. I really didn't want to celebrate and if my husband hadn't had to work I probably would have spent the day in bed. However he did work and someone had to take care of the kids, seeing that I'm the MOM I had to do it. LOL The kids gave me their cute gifts they made in school, my husband bought me a bench with a box underneath for our little patio. This way I could keep some of the kids toys in there instead of constantly having to go to the garage. Unfortunately, for the most part my day was cruddy. I was able to take all four of them by myself (yeah me) to a lake right by our house for a walk and that was fun. My son who I have mentioned before that has the behavioral problems was just nasty for most of the day. He was being mean and hateful to everyone. Toward the end of the day I had asked him if he liked to have a mom to hug and kiss and talk to. After a hesitation he said yes. I said then he should think about how lucky he is when he is going to be mean to me because I no longer have a mom I can hug and kiss and I really want to. Perhaps I shouldn't have said that, but I was just so drained emotionally by that time. Some days I feel like he is slowly breaking me apart and crushing me. Then there are the days where he is so sweet and good that I wonder if I imagine the bad times. I just keep telling myself that this too shall pass.(another momism)

I told my husband this year he had to figure out and get a gift for his mom. It was just too hard to try and think of a gift for my Mother-in-law (who has been really great) for Mother's Day when all I could do for my mom was lay flowers on her grave. I thought I would share a story with you about something that happened to me last week. My husband thinks it is just a coincidence, but I know it wasn't. I was tired, but could not sleep. Everyone was asleep, but my mind kept racing. I was thinking about my mom and was getting very upset. I came downstairs so I didn't wake my husband up because I was crying. Anyway I'm standing in the middle of the living room crying and saying mom, mom when I hear this song, it was like from a kid's toy. I of course started looking for it. I walk up the stairs into the bathroom where it is getting louder. I open the cabinet under the sink and start pulling stuff out. When I found what it was, it just stopped (you have to push a button to get it to stop). It was this calculator, alarm, calender thing my mom had given my son in the fall. I had tossed it under the sink months ago because the boys kept fighting over it. I have no other explanation why it would have gone off at that time and not any other night. I think it was her letting me know she was here.

I just when I think I have it together

BAM! I get smacked in the face.. I was doing good. Considering everything that I have been dealing with these last few months, I was doing real good. Today? Not so much. Wanna know why because the reality of my Mother being gone smacked me full force in the face. Not that I didn't know this fact, but that hurt was starting to heal and now I feel as if it has been ripped right open. Sunday is Mother's Day, yet I have no Mom to buy a gift for. No Mom to find that perfect card for to try and express all the I feel for her. Sure I can talk to her and she is always around me, etc, but that doesn't help. In the end the truth is that she is gone. So please for me this Mother's Day, give your Mom an extra tight hug. Pick out the most special card for her, maybe add our own special memory you have of her. Just make sure she knows how much you love her and forget your differences for at least one day. After all you will only have one mother. 

A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take.
~ Cardinal Mermillod

The moment a child

 is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new.  ~Rajneesh

God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.  ~Jewish Proverb

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.  ~Attributed to Claudia Ghandi

Me and my mom when I was 1 (Gotta love her pants. LOL)

I surrender.....

That is it, I throw up the proverbial white flag. I realized today that trying to keep a house and a small one at that with four children aged 7 and under clean at all times is a losing battle. So I give up. No, I won't stop cleaning or doing laundry. I am simply going to try giving up on constantly worrying about it. Why do I measure my worth as a mother and wife by how my house looks? I suppose it would be possible to keep the house clean all the time if I had live in help or perhaps if I get rid of the kids. Seeing as that neither one is going to happen I guess I will just live with it. I can clean from the time I wake up until the time I finally fall asleep and it still will not be good enough for me. So I surrender to the dishes in the sink, to the pile of towels, to the dust bunnies and to the dirty windows. I am going to enjoy my babies while I can. After all it isn't as if you are going to go anywhere. We all know you will still be around and when I come you had better watch out. You have may won this round, but I will win in the end. ;~P

Ahh the joys of boys....

My son decided to use my husband's electric razor and give himself a new do. Thankfully his hair was already short so it wasn't that big of a deal to even it out. I think he was trying for a reverse mohawk. At least it was my son and not daughter who decided to do this. It is much easier to shave off all of a boy's hair and not a girl's. We were able to get my son an appointment on June 8th at a Pediatric Developmental Center at Illinois Masonic Hospital in Chicago. We are really hoping to get some answers to his problems. I've been trying to be more patient with him, but some days it is a lot harder than others. By bedtime my patience is basically nonexistent, although it is primarily from taking care of four kids and chauffeuring the older two back and forth from school and not just from him. I don't know how my mom did it, she always seem to have it all together. She even had to work outside of the home at times and still she never seemed tired or impatient. I'm sure she felt it, but she rarely let it show. I guess it probably helped that by the time I arrived my older brothers were 10, 9, and 5. Quite a difference than my ages of 7, 5, and 2. LOL.

The kids have been sick again and no, not with the dreaded Swine Flu. They have just had a good dose of pick eye and colds. So far the baby has been okay. I told them they had to stay away from her, they were not even allowed to look in her direction. Okay maybe that was being a little dramatic, but I didn't want to take the chance. I'm hoping this is the last round of illness for them until next fall.

I can't believe that tomorrow marks 4 weeks since my little monkey arrived. Time flies so fast. Next Sunday is Mother's Day, I wonder how it will be. I just keep thinking that it will be the first one I don't have to buy a gift for my mom. My husband has to work that day so I plan on taking the kids to the cemetery to lay some flowers down and then maybe go visit with my mother in law. Hopefully the day will go good with few tears shed.