It is still feels like it was yesterday

when in fact it was six years ago. I remember going to my parents home that morning to sit with my mom. As soon as I walk into the house I knew something had changed. It was as if the energy had disappeared. I went about the day talking to my dad and brothers. I sat with her and talked to her, I rubbed lotion on her feet, I watched a movie with her and I even updated my friends on what was going on.  My mom's best friend from childhood and her daughter and daughter in law came to visit. I remember standing next to my mom commenting that I wasn't even thirty, this shouldn't be happening. I also remember making the comment to her that my Mom was no longer there, she had already moved on and it was just her body waiting to catch up. This made her mad and I remember her telling me that I shouldn't say that because my mom could hear me. I remember her standing next to my mom rubbing her hair trying to get her to open her eyes. Eyes that had been shut for over 24 hours at that point.  I also remember the baby inside me rolling around and kicking assuring me that I had to stay strong. I remember forcing myself to eat even though that was the last thing I wanted to do. I remember my brother coming with his family and me telling them she hadn't open her eyes and would never again. I remember the conversation I had with my other brother about how we knew it was her time and he was wondering why she was waiting. Just like that, I knew. I told him she was waiting for me to go home. My mom would not want me there when her body finally got the hint that it was time to stop fighting. My mom who was more than a mother, but my best friend still was looking out for me and protecting me as she had for so many years. My mom would not want me there when it happened and she would not have wanted me to drive the 20 minute drive home by myself after she passed. So after a bit, I kissed my mom, told her I loved her and whispered in her ear that it was ok to go. I assured her I would be ok and I asked her to look over my baby. I hugged my dad and brothers and drove home. Shortly after arriving home, I got into bed and started to fall asleep when she came to me. I remember telling her that I couldn't have the baby until I knew she was ok. She told me she loved me and I woke up to a phone call. Shortly after midnight on the 26th, my brother went to check on her and discovered she had passed. Being the type of mom she was she wanted to make sure no one was there to have to witness that. She waited until they had stepped out of the house for some air before she took her final breath. I told him I already knew because she had come to me. I remember being numb after that phone call and just sitting on the couch in the dark. I knew I had to let my babies know that their Grandma Ida was gone. That was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. I struggled with guilt for a long time because I wasn't there when it happened. Hell, every so often it still creeps up on me. However, I know my mom wouldn't have wanted us to be the last memory of her. She protected us until she drew her last breath.

FAQ about my Schooling

I decided it would be easier to post the answers to some of the questions I get. 

What are you going to school for? I am going to get my degree in Paraeducation, in layman's terms, a degree to be a Teacher's Aide. 

But, why not a teacher? Honestly because I don't want to. I see what my husband and numerous teacher friends go through and am not interested in that stress. By being a Para, I get to work with kids (which I love to do) but don't have all the stress that teachers deal with. 

Wouldn't it be a better job to be a teacher instead of just an Aide? Seriously? That is like asking someone who is a nurse why they didn't just become a doctor. A Para's job is very important. Lauren has had many and I am so thankful for them. They were there when the teacher couldn't. They wiped her tears and listened to her fears. They encouraged her and made her feel safe. 

So, you can quit school and just take a test to be a Para? Why don't you do that? It is possible to do that, but I also don't see that me getting higher education is hurting anyone. Yes it is stressful at times, but so is parenting. I was lucky enough to get a grant so I am not "wasting" my money as many may see it. I don't see that me taking classes such as classroom management a waste of time. If I needed a job right away, I would take the test but continue to go to school. 

Are you going to work right away? Honestly, I am not sure, it depends on a few things. I would like to be able to go on field trips and do class parties for Lauren. It isn't fair to her that she gets screwed out of Mommy doing those things just because she is last. I also still care for my awesome niece. 

How much money will you make being "just" a Para? No freaking clue. I am guessing not a ton. If I wanted a job that pays a lot, it sure as Hell wouldn't be in the education field. 

I don't mind people asking me questions about school. What I do mind is that I feel like I have to constantly defend why I am going to school. I am a 35 year old women who never got to go to college, I shouldn't feel guilty for choosing to go now. What I need is support not criticism.  The minute I ask you to pay my bills or care for my family, you are more than welcome to criticize my decision to go to school. 

Raising a Preteen girl is so emotional.

   Now that I have a 12 1/2 year old girl, I have a greater respect for what I put my mother through. My daughter is so much like me I cry because I can still feel those feelings I had back then. I suffered from extreme anxiety and eventually depression. I hated myself and thought no one liked me. I would go to school on Monday and hear about how all the people I thought were friends had hung out together without calling me, again. This cemented in my mind that I must really be the ugly loser I had thought I was. I started to stay in my room more and more. I lived vicariously through the world of books and movies. I wished I could be one of the popular, pretty girls in my school.  I never understood how they were so self confident in what is such an awkward stage in life. Eventually I learned that I had two types of friends, school friends and home friends. I had a good amount of friends that were at school, those were the girls I rarely had any contact without outside of school. My good friends were a small group, but I knew they were always there for me. Even though I knew they would have helped me or talked to me, I never did. I do know that old habits die hard. 

    I don't want my daughter to be like I was, I want her to love herself, no I just really want her to like herself. I want her to be able to brush off the fact that she is not getting invited to outings. I want her to be able to say screw it and set her own path. I am encouraging her as much as I can to call friends, but she never does. I keep telling her to fake until she makes it. It is my hope that if she keeps acting like she is beautiful and confident one day she will really see that she is. As her mother she will never believe when I tell her she is beautiful. 

      Dealing with these last turbulent months, I have desperately needed my mom. I need to know how she handled me when I cried because my friends had left me out again. I need to know what to say to my beautiful daughter who thinks she is the ugliest one of her friends. I need to know how to handle the fact that my daughter's friends are pushing her away for more outgoing girls. I need to tell her that I am so sorry for everything I put her through and thank her for her never-ending love and support. 

Wow, has it really been six months?

It is amazing how life catches you in its rip current and continues to pull you away from the shore. At least that is how it feels some days. So I have been busy these last six months, that is busier than any other mom. I am still taking care of my awesome niece and volunteering with my kids' school as often as I can. All four of my kids are in school full time and I am not ashamed to admit that I had a hard time that first day back. Thankfully my friends were nice enough to keep me busy. I swear just the other day I was taking my oldest to her first day of Kindergarten with both of us in tears and now she is in seventh grade. I remember in high school wishing time would speed up and now I would love for it to slow down just a little bit

 I lost my last Aunt this past month. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in March and we were told it would be weeks. However in true fashion to her, she went when she was damn well and ready and not a minute more. My Aunt Sis was a great, although stern at times woman. I had a few Aunts but she was the one I connected with the most. I got my gift of craftiness from her and the gift of baking. I also had her to thank for my boobs too. She was a great source of comfort after my mom and then father passed. I made sure to tell her every time I saw her that I loved her. If I learned anything from losing my parents it is to make sure to tell your loved ones you love them and do it often. The last time I saw her was a week before she passed. She had slept most of the time at that point, but woke up for a little but while I was there. She asked about the kids and we chatted a little bit. When I was leaving she told me she loved me and to drive safely.

I started school last month and sometimes think I am crazy. While I am enjoying it, I am always second guessing myself on things. I guess years and years of self doubt will do that to you. I am pursuing my certificate in Paraprofessional education. So in the end I will be a teacher's aid. i have always wanted to be a teacher but at my age I just think I am too old to go to school for that. I know I am not old, but for me I am. I just want to be able to work in the schools with kids without the added strew of lesson plans, parent teacher conferences, and the politics. My third is already freaking out about me going to work. I assured him it will be a few years before I get a job because I want to be able to go on field trips and help at class parties for my youngest like I did with the rest of my kids. I never thought of myself as old until I sat in a class with a bunch of nineteen year old giggling girls that my teacher has to constantly shush. The spent a good part of one of the classes talking all about the One Direction concert they went to. Really? My twelve year old doesn't even like them.

I can't eat Corned Beef & Cabbage anymore.

I haven't been able to eat this St. Patrick's Day staple in about five years. Ever since my mom died almost five years ago now, the thought of eating it makes me sick to my stomach. We ate it every year  on St. Patrick's Day which also happened to be my Mom's birthday. She would make corned beef, cabbage, and boiled red potatoes. She always thought it was funny that she was born on a traditionally Irish holiday and she was 100% Dutch. We would sit down as a big family to celebrate Mom's birthday and eat the great meal she put together. I loved it but as a kid, not so much the cabbage part. I loved making a sandwich on the fresh rye bread she would buy special for the meal. The joking around we did a the dinner table and the happy look my mom had on her face as she looked at her family.

I have tried a few times to eat it since she passed away, but just can't. I get a couple of bites in before I feel as if I am going to throw up. St. Patrick's Day for me was never about the Irish Saint or even the meal, but about my Mom. It was about celebrating her life and now she is gone I don't care to celebrate the day. I know people think I am a bit strange when I tell them I can no longer bring myself to eat corned beef, but the truth is that I can't bring myself to explain how much that meal is wrapped up in a tradition that is all about my Mom.

This time last year.

I've been thinking that a lot lately. This time last year my father was in the hospital again and we found out his cancer would take him from us soon. I was spending as much time with him as I could knowing that the clock was ticking against us. I was trying to get to know the man behind the "Dad". I was really listening to his stories this time as opposed to zoning out and thinking to myself that I had already heard this one before. I was sitting with him while in his confused state when he didn't know who I was or where he was. I answered him when he mistakenly called me Ida thinking I was my mom because I couldn't deny him the thought that he was with her again even if it was just for a short moment of time.

I dreamt of my dad last night and in my dream I did something for him I thought was nice, but all he did was complain because I didn't do it right. I got really mad at him for being an ass and not seeing that I was trying to do something for him but all I got was criticism. However that was my dad, always pushing me to do better even if it hurt more than helped. I was kind of disappointed when I woke up that it wasn't a nice dream with us enjoying each other, then I realized I wouldn't have believed it was really him in the dream if he wasn't annoying me somehow. haha

I pray that this year is better. I need a year off from seeing family members dying. I know I can handle pretty much what is tossed at me, but I just need a break.


I miss my dad.

Neighbors, are they in the past?

Growing up I knew almost everyone on our block. The people to the right was a couple with a young daughter I used to tutor. The first family to my left was a couple with two boys who I grew up with and thought for sure I would marry, when they moved another couple moved in with a girl my age and we've been friends since though we have had our ups and downs. Then there were the other families the one who was best friends with my mom, the one who cut my hair, the people whose kids weren't the best behaved, the older couple who my mom cared for in their final years. There was the family of all boys whose cousin moved in and became one of my best friends. The neighbors would shovel each others sidewalks and driveways, mow lawns, or just sit on the porches and chat. The older couples whose children were grown, would watch out for the children on the block while they walked to and waited for the bus. The one house with the boys I remember spending as much time there before they moved as I did my own home. The mom became a second mom to me and to this day I still look to her as that. She was so supportive during the hard times with my own parents. I knew if I called she would help anyway she could. Then there were the families who moved away, but the friendships still stuck.

After I took my kids sledding today, I decided to shovel our sidewalk. We share it with an elderly couple, so I made sure to clear their path as well. I then went to clear out the slush around my van to discover the neighbor's was just a messy. So I continued on until I  made sure my close neighbors had clear walkways.  I didn't do this for gratitude, just because it is something I would like to be done for me. As I did that I realize that I don't really know my neighbors. There is the elderly couple who I always say hi to, the single mom on the other side who we say hi or discuss the weather, and now a young couple with a little girl who we barely get a wave out of. Then there is a single lady across the way who I have chatted with more than once and who is very nice to my kids. In a way I was sadden that I really don't know these people, then I  realize that this is just the way it is in many neighborhoods. We erect privacy fences so there no longer is talking to your neighbor through the fence. We tell our children not to talk to strangers and almost make them fear meeting new people. We see others problems as their own and don't think of trying to help.

Where our condo is situated, we are super secluded so I don't know how the rest of our neighborhood works. I do know that a lot of the time my neighbors annoy me and I don't want to take the time to get to know them. It may be the way they park, or the fact that they love cooking sauerkraut and the smell comes into our place, or the fact that I can hear their tv through my bedroom walls. I often want to just live in our bubble being secluded. However there are those times I wish I could call a neighbor to borrow butter or to ask if they can keep an eye out for a package that may be delivered. I don't though, instead I drag everyone to the store for that ingredient or pray the arriving package is still there when I get home. So this year I am going to try and be a better neighbor. Instead of avoiding eye contact or a quick hello, I am going to take time to smile, say hi and maybe ask how their day was. If I see snow needs to be shoveled instead of viewing as not my problem, I am going to shovel it. I'll bring in their garbage cans on garbage day when I bring up my own. Even if no one ever does these things for us, I don't care. Maybe if we all start being better neighbors to each other the world will start to change. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but not if everyone is isolated in their own homes afraid of helping their fellow man.

When I grow up I want to be...

I remember as a child always wanting to do something with kids. I wanted to be a teacher, pediatric nurse, daycare owner, at one time I even envisioned having a place that helps teen moms. None of those happened, but I did become a mom which even though is a ton of work I love my job. I may go back to school to get a certificate for teacher assistant, but it is too late to become the teacher or nurse that I wanted to be. I also don't have the money to have my own daycare or create a loving supportive environment for teen moms.

 My oldest has been saying for a few years that she wants to be a teacher. She generally follows up with saying she will also be a hair stylist since she knows teachers don't make that much and she will need two jobs. Pretty sad that my 11 year old understands how little teachers are appreciated. Number two can't decide, but I have a feeling he has military or some sort of building/engineering in his future. Number 3 used to be a music conductor but is now thinking of being a scientist. My baby just wants to be a mom, she claims she will have 4 or 6 kids and she will live with me with her husband and kids. She decided that she would miss me too much to move away. Actually all my kids claim they will live with me forever.

So all of their dreams of the future are great and can change at any time. However why is it that when my little one claims proudly that all she wants to be is a mom I cringe? I immediately want to dismiss it and try to talk her into being a doctor, lawyer, president, teacher, gardener,  even a librarian. I don't though. I should be honored that she wants to be like me when she grows up, yet I want more for her. Which then makes me think about how I view my "job".

I love my kids and while I am not the greatest mom or wife, I try my hardest and I will fight for whatever they need. I don't get paid in money and some days I feel like I should just throw in the towel.  I worry that somehow I am fucking them up for life and not sure how to fix it. When I hear my friends talk about their jobs outside of caring for their kids, I worry that I am lacking as a woman. I don't have funny stories about my co workers to share. I spend my days talking to my littles and some days don't even know how to carry on a normal conversation with my husband. What I do during the day just does not seem important enough to share. Raising kids is one of the most important jobs anyone can have, yet why do I feel like I am setting a bad example to my children? I have already caught my kids making comments to me about how I don't have a job or even the question "what have you done all day?"when they were asked to do a chore. I am always sort of taken back when they make comments like that and attempt to answer without allowing my hurt feelings to get in the way. Thankfully my husband is my biggest supporter and will get on them for their ideas about what I do.

Even though I know what I am doing is super important, I feel inadequate to the rest of the world. When I am asked what my job is and I reply mom, I actually feel embarrassed as if I just admitted to staying in bed all day watching Gilmore girls. I am going to try my hardest not to get on myself about not being anyone besides just a "mom." In actuality, I am more than that, I am a caregiver, chauffeur, shoulder to cry on, Auntie, diaper changer, puke catcher, wife, laundress, cook, baker, and sometimes maid.

So when number 4 proudly announces that she wants to be me when she grows up, I will be proud and take it as a compliment that I must be doing something right.

Today is Unity Day 2013.

You might be wondering what Unity Day is. It is a day to prevent bullying. You can read about it here. 

Bullying is something that hits close to home for me. As a teenager I was bullied and in turn became very depressed and had a lot of anxiety. I missed more days than I can count of school because I was making myself physically ill. I dropped 25 pounds in a matter of weeks, I was a wreck. I was embarrassed about being bullied so I never told anyone what was happening. I may have mentioned it to a friend in passing, but never elaborated. Even after my mom got me to a counselor because she knew there was something bothering me, I didn't tell. I feared that if I told someone what was going on, it would make things worse. It was only two people who belittled me daily, but what if I told and their friends started in on me too? Bullying leaves scars that never fully go away. It destroys your self esteem and makes you doubt yourself. I still remember the names and faces of those kids. Hell, I even remember the teacher, class, and who I sat by. 

My son has been a victim of bullying himself. He had a friend who would be very mean to him and mutter mean things under his breath at him. He would later apologize, but it would start all over. I finally explained to him that this kid was not a friend. That a true friend does not treat you bad and make you feel bad about yourself. Thankfully he was able to distance himself from that kid and seems to have helped. I worry about him though because he is a perfect target for bullies. 

Last night my oldest who has been struggling with middle school informed us that she too is being bullied. I knew something was up because she was becoming a bit more withdrawn. I am so happy she had the courage to tell us instead of hiding like I did. However, she doesn't want the teachers to know for fear that they will call the kids out and it will get worse. What do you do in a situation like that? I want to fix it for her, but also want to honor her wishes. So I contacted the school's counselor to see if they could talk to her and give her some tips on dealing with it. I hope by the end of today she will have some sort of peace of mind. 

Watching my own kids go through bullying, sucks me right back to that classroom with those kids tormenting me. It is taking everything on me not to unleash my mama bear and got rip those kids apart. This might be one of the toughest things I have had to deal with as a parent yet. 

I am not one of "those" moms.

The one who get up at the ass crack of dawn to make their little angels a huge breakfast before they head of to school. The one who at drop off look as if they had just hit the beauty salon because their hair and make up is near perfect. The mom who packs their kids nothing but healthy food in their lunch bags. The mom who spends her days working out and cleaning her already immaculate house. The one who picks her kid up from school in her perfectly detailed car. The one who has every hour scheduled to do something,  the one whose kid does their chores without a complaint . The one who always seems to be put together and never complains.  The one who never yells at her child but just barely has to raise her voice to be heard.

The truth is that I am just me. I view it as an accomplishment if I get up five minutes before my kids in the morning. They get whatever frozen breakfast item or whatever cereal we have, yes even the sugar filled kind.  I am lucky if I run a hair brush through my hair before I drop them off at school. As for makeup, what is that? I might wear it to a wedding. My kids get a sandwich, chips, a cookie and some sort of fruit (sometimes) in their lunch. Yes, I give my kids chips for every lunch. *gasp* Unless of course the child decides to bring a bowl of cereal for lunch. I do try to send them a joke or fun fact in their lunch to read, however I am just happy if less than half of what I send comes home. My day is spent caring for a 4 year old and 2 year old tornadoes. Seriously, they way those two destroy my home is freaking amazing! After I drop the 4 year old off at school, it is nap time for the 2 year old. I guess I should use that time wisely. Sometimes I eat, usually for the first time that day and catch up on my shows I had to DVR from the night before because my kids were having World War III in my living room. I pick up some of the toys, but usually just leave them because I know as soon as my mini tornadoes are together again, shit will just get destroyed anyway. Working out to me is walking the kids the five blocks to their school. Hey, at least I burn some calories. My van looks as if we live in it and if the kids can get in and out without some piece of garbage falling out, I am stoked. Five kids, plus many hours shuttling them back and forth to places does not a clean van make. My windows are filthy and there is now rust around the door. The hours in my house are a free for all because mom is usually trying not to lose her shit. After school, we have a snack and do homework. Homework with #2 regularly involves crying and frustration, he is not fond of it either. Seriously, I had to YouTube how to figure out a freaking 4th grade math problem the other day! My kids bitch if I ask them to put their clothes in the hamper, heaven forbid chores get done without some sort of meltdown. I complain, a lot and I yell.

However, I am one of those moms whose loves her kids even if I don't always like them. I am the one who worries that her nine year old son will never know what it is like to have a true friend. I am the one who worries that her daughter will suffer from the same self esteem issues I still struggle with. I am the one who instead of worrying what my house looks like instead chooses to sit on the couch snuggling my kids and watching Lilo & Stitch for the umpteenth time because I know how fast it goes. I am the mom who looks forward to school starting. I am the mom who worries that I am a bad example for my kids because I never went to college and instead am "just" a mom. I am the mom who apologizes to her kids when I do lose my shit because after all I am human, I am the mom whose children know when I have a bad migraine to play quietly and actually get a long. I am the mom who likes to sing out loud and dance around the house with my kids because they think it is hilarious.  I am the one who instead of sitting out of the pool at a water park am actually in my bathing suit in front of strangers(yikes) hanging out with my kid.

Some of my friends are "those" moms or at least partially one. You know what, I envy them and secretly hate them all at the same time. (Kidding, you know you rock.)  I wish I had my shit together, but for me it just isn't going to happen. Maybe by the time I become a Grandma I will figure out it all.

So, my feelings have been hurt.

I haven't been blogging because I don't have a lot to say or I have so much I can't get it straight in my head. That being said, my feelings got hurt a while back and for some reason I just can't get over it. It was by a friend after my dad passed and I am sure it wasn't intentional, but in a way that makes it 100 times worse. I might feel better if this person didn't call or contact me in the days, weeks, even months following his passing because they weren't sure what to say, instead I believe in my heart it was more of a case of not really caring. My loss of someone who they knew I used to hate was just a teeny blip on their radar. Perhaps this person thought I was better off now that he was gone, I don't know and perhaps never will. I know we are told to forgive and in time I can but I will never forget. Right now the wound is still too fresh.

My advice if you don't want to lose true friend, when a friend loses someone reach out somehow, a call, email, text, hell even a facebook message just letting them know you are thinking and praying for them makes a world of difference. Do it sooner rather than later too because by the time months have passed and you have finally decided to call, it may be too late.

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.  ~William Blake,

I feel guilty.

I have a huge amount of guilt lately because I often still feel a deep ache from my mom being gone, but with my dad it isn't as painful. I mean she has been gone for 4 years and he has only been gone for just for 4 months. I think a lot has to do with the fact that my mom and I were so close that it was literally like losing a part of myself. Perhaps it was because the loss of my mom was quick and rather unexpected while with my dad we had 9 months to kind of prepare. Though you can never truly be prepared for losing a loved one no matter how much time you have. I am not saying that I don't miss him, because I really do, the 4th of July was a hard day for me and of course I was just a bitch that day. For the last 6 years or so my parents came with us to my in laws for the 4th for a barbecue. I remember the first 4th without mom it rained most of the day and I remember my Dad saying it was her crying because she couldn't be with us. I guess in a way I thought this year would perhaps rain but instead it was a beautiful day. I feel bad for the people who had to deal with me that day. lol I never did voice why I was in such a bad mood because it took a while for me to even wrap my head around why I was so angry.

Is it the middle of July already?!

This summer has been crazy busy. Right after school got out, we went on a two week vacation. We went to Disneyworld for a week then to a beautiful beach house in Hernando Beach, Florida. Our house was right on the Gulf of Mexico.  Let me tell, I took way too many pictures! Then again, can you really take too many pictures of a special vacation? I spent countless hours with my girls get signatures of every princess and even two fairies, along with all the traditional Disney characters. Even though Disney is quite the money sucking place, it was worth it to see my kids get so excited to see their favorite characters. We've been home a month now and they still talk about it daily. Our house in Hernando was just a great. We got to see lizards, dolphins, stingrays, fish, and even jellyfish. My kids were amazed to be able to look out the windows and watch s small dolphin pod swimming around and literally throwing fish up into the air using their tails. We also got to visit with my brother and his family who live in Florida. It was great being able to see them, in a happy setting and not because of death.

After we got back for Florida, Lauren started in summer school and I got my first taste of teaching at our church's summer religious education program. Even though at times they were exasperating, I really enjoyed myself. It was nice to get out and actually feel like I was doing something worthwhile. I finally could relax a bit now that both summer schools are over. That is as much relaxing as anyone with kids can. If you click on the pictures, they get bigger. :)

The guys went on a canoe ride and came across manatees. 

The water was so clear you could see the fish.

View of the Gulf from the back of the house.

I named this guy Larry the Lizard, he kept me company while I read. 

Jellyfish, toward the middle of the picture.

My advice, take pictures!

I'm sure you are wondering what I am talking about. As I was putting together picture collages with my nieces after my dad passed, I realized there weren't many pictures of him and I past the age of 5. Perhaps it was because I didn't want to take pictures or the cost of developing was too much or perhaps he didn't want his picture taken anymore. I then thought about how many pictures of me with my kids there are and there really aren't a lot. A lot of the time I am the one behind the camera or I hate the way I look so I refuse to take a picture. However I realize now that when my kids are older they won't care what I looked like in the pictures. They will perhaps see a picture of us and remember a fun time we shared together. Remember to take pictures of your kids with their grandparents too! The day after my dad passed Nick immediately asked me for a picture of him and Papa together. Thankfully, Alexander had snapped pictures with his little camera a few months before otherwise there would not have been any individual pictures of my dad with Nick. So the next time you are together and you are the one taking pictures, ask someone to snap a picture of you and your kids. I guarantee you won't regret capturing a memory to look back on.

“What I like about photographs is that they capture a moment that’s gone forever, impossible to reproduce.” ― Karl Lagerfeld

Mom, Me, & Dad

A great quote!

So I love quotes, you can ask any of my Facebook friends, I often post them.  Sometimes a quote can sum up your feelings more than a long paragraph. So I was on on of my favorite sites just checking on quotes and came across this one. One of my favorite sites.

 “Hearing him talk about his mother, about his intact family, makes my chest hurt for a second, like someone pierced it with a needle.” 
― Veronica Roth, Divergent

This quote sums up how I feel every time someone talks about their parents. I don't want people to stop talking to me about their parents, but it brings its own special pain. It is a pain that you can not understand until you have lost a parent. Sure I can still talk about mine, but it is all about things in the past. I will no longer talk about the goofy conversation I had with my mom or complain about my dad make stupid remarks about my cooking. All I have are memories both good and bad to cherish. 

The last couple of months have been rough around here. Not only did I lose my dad, but my husband lost one of his close friends a mere 10 days after my dad. She was a wonderful young woman and I am still in disbelief she is gone. She was a young woman who to me had a larger than life personality, she had her whole life ahead of her. We always ask why in times like this, why is it the young who are so full of life and potential seem to be taken from us so soon? I think in a way these people know somehow that their time on this Earth is limited more so than most people and they know they need to live everyday as if it their last. I will never forget her awesome smile that was always present on her face and her bubbly personality. 

The ache from missing my mom is present everyday and more so these last months. I long to be able to pick up the phone and talk to her about what is happening to share my worries with her. She had a way of giving advice and support without it being pushy.

My advice if you still have parents, cherish them. Even the days they are assholes and you want to never talk to them again. Remember too that they aren't only your parents, but people with their own issues. You may think you know everything going on with them, but you never can because no matter how old you are, your parents will try to protect you from the bad things. Once they are gone, that is it and you don't want to regret never forgiving them or trying to get to know them as a person. Life is too short, so call your dad, send your mom flowers just because, but please don't waste your time with them. 

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

When times get tough

you learn who your true friends are. I said before when my mom passed and I will say it again now. I learned who I can really lean on when things are at their worst. They are the people who often asked how my dad was even if I never brought up the subject of him. They are the ones who texted, called, or facebook messaged me after he passed just to say sorry or offer some support.  I was shocked and humbled at the show of support we have received from friends.  Just a simple call, text, or email was enough to show me the someone actually cared about what I was going through. I was also shocked at the people who I had assumed would be the ones for me that failed me. However life goes on and I realize that not everyone knows how to react in a situation like this. I just hope when they are in a similar situation that they realize how their behavior or lack of it can deeply wound a person. I am just happy for those who did show they cared and grateful that I have a great group of people behind me holding me up with their support.

“In times of grief and sorrow I will hold you and rock you and take your grief and make it my own. When you cry I cry and when you hurt I hurt. And together we will try to hold back the floods to tears and despair and make it through the potholed street of life” ~Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

Reunited again

 Four years, one month and one day after my Mom passed away, my Dad followed her.  He never stopped missing her and gave up his will to live when we lost her. I think for him his cancer diagnosis was almost a relief because he realized it wouldn't be long before he saw her again. My Dad and I had a complicated relationship to say the least. As a kid I really disliked him as an adult I learned to accept him for the way he was and eventually totally loved him. His final moments are something I will never forget and I keep going over them in my head. Should I have stayed right next to him, was it wrong I was sitting away from him watching tv? He was sleeping finally after almost three days so I didn't think he would have passed so fast. My father had a lot of fear those last couple of days. I am sure anyone who is facing death would be fearful of the unknown. The thing that gives me solace is knowing my mom was waiting for him. He told me he could hear her calling for him to come now. He asked me if it was mean for him to want to go with her instead of stay with us and I assured him it wasn't. A joker to the end, as I sat next to him crying, he gave me a hug and told me he loved me then he proceeded to grab my nose and pretend like his thumb was my nose between his fingers. A little after that when my brother arrived, he was sitting in his bed making faces at me. That was my dad, always getting someone to laugh, the perpetual clown. I will miss him more than I thought possible. Where my days were filled with thoughts of him or being with him, there is now an empty void.

Answering questions

So things have been in sort of a holding pattern with dad. He is on palliative care for now, but I think we may be moving him to hospice soon. I really appreciate people asking me about him and myself, but there are days when I am just so tired of talking about it. Lately when someone asks how he is, I reply "he's alive." I think they get a bit annoyed, but in reality people do not want to hear the truth. They don't want to know that he is dying a slow agonizing death. That he rarely has an appetite and when he does eat,  he often chokes on the food because the cancer is slowly closing his esophagus. They don't want to know that he is choosing not to have a feeding tube put in place so all we have left to do is to watch him starve to death, he's lost 6 pounds in a month and I am sure there is more to come. He is now a shell of the man he used to be and hates the fact that he has to be a burden to us.(We do not feel he is a burden, that is his own thoughts.)  He is often confused and at times am not sure who I am or where he is. He is sick of living and wants to die. So that is how he is.

When I am asked how I am, I never really know what to say because people don't really like to know the ugly truth. The truth is that I am scared to death. I am stretched to the limit and it takes all I have to hold it together. I am so thankful for my kids and niece during the day because without them to care for I would fall apart. I don't want to lose my dad even if he tends to be a crazy, cranky old man. You never know how important your parents are until you have lost one. I pray every day that he goes quickly and peacefully yet I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because I am basically praying for his death. I don't want to watch him die, but I will also not allow him to do it alone. He misses me when I am not there and I have come to need that time with him as much as he needs me to be there. I feel guilt because I don't have the time, home, or resources to care for him. I feel bad when I can't make it by him for a day or two. I feel like a horrible parent and wife because everything in my life is lacking in some way. So when asked how I am, I say fine because otherwise I will completely fall apart.

Finally Validated

I finally feel validated for all my worries and suspicions concerning Nick. At his last doctor's appointment, the psychiatrist finally admitted that she believes he is on the Autism spectrum and is sending him for further testing and an official diagnosis! While in my head I was yelling "Well, DUH!" My heart was hurting a bit because everything I have thought about him was true and I wasn't just being an over analyzing parent. I knew there was something different about him when he was 19 months old and put his head through a bedroom door out of frustration. Did you notice that I didn't say I knew something was wrong with him? Because there is nothing wrong with my son, he is just a little different as we all are in our own way. As I told his doctor that Nick is just Nick and we will deal with whatever comes the same way we have been dealing with it. Today is World Autism Awareness Day so in honor of that day, I am posting a website so you can inform yourself more about Autism.
What is Autism?

I broke my son.

My beautiful, happy, fun loving little boy is broken and it is my fault. You see Alexander has always had a bit of anxiety. When you have an older brother with ADHD, ODD, sensory issues and possible Autism, you learn that life can be crazy and not always in a good way. Especially when that brother constantly threatens running away. Every time Nick would go into a fit as we call it, I would see Alex slowly inch his way to stand in front of the door in case this was the time Nick was really going to follow through. Well, it got better while Nick still has fits, he has stopped threatening running away. Alex is always worried about the dog running away because if she is off her leash she takes off, however she has always come back. The damn dog is afraid of her own shadow so she wouldn't get far. He has gotten better about that but you can see the effort it takes him not to panic when she goes by the door without a leash on. So here comes the part where I broke him. When I talked to my kids last month about my dad's health, I inadvertently added more anxiety to my baby. Ever since,  he has had extreme separation anxiety when it comes to me. He wouldn't even go on an outing with his Grandparents because I was not going and had made himself sick to his stomach. Now, it is rolling over to school and every morning he is sick to his stomach and close to tears. Yesterday afternoon he found out I would be gone all weekend and the poor guy was up all night with stomach pain because I won't be here. I kept him home from school thinking that perhaps it was a real stomachache, but an hour after the other kids were at school, he was perfectly fine. He ate breakfast with no issue and went back to annoying his sister. I called the school and got the ok to bring him in. As soon as he realized he was going to school, he had stomach pain, got extremely upset and cried all the way there. I offered to give him something of mine to keep in his pocket, but he said it would make him sadder. So like in the book The Kissing Hand, I gave his hand a big kiss and told him to squeeze it tight if he got upset and missed me. It took all the strength I had to make him go to school, but I know I wasn't doing anyone any favors by allowing him to give in to the anxiety and stay home. I am hoping that perhaps this weekend's trip will help with the anxiety when he sees me come home Sunday, maybe then he will realize the I am not going anywhere for a long time.