I remember as a child always wanting to do something with kids. I wanted to be a teacher, pediatric nurse, daycare owner, at one time I even envisioned having a place that helps teen moms. None of those happened, but I did become a mom which even though is a ton of work I love my job. I may go back to school to get a certificate for teacher assistant, but it is too late to become the teacher or nurse that I wanted to be. I also don't have the money to have my own daycare or create a loving supportive environment for teen moms.
My oldest has been saying for a few years that she wants to be a teacher. She generally follows up with saying she will also be a hair stylist since she knows teachers don't make that much and she will need two jobs. Pretty sad that my 11 year old understands how little teachers are appreciated. Number two can't decide, but I have a feeling he has military or some sort of building/engineering in his future. Number 3 used to be a music conductor but is now thinking of being a scientist. My baby just wants to be a mom, she claims she will have 4 or 6 kids and she will live with me with her husband and kids. She decided that she would miss me too much to move away. Actually all my kids claim they will live with me forever.
So all of their dreams of the future are great and can change at any time. However why is it that when my little one claims proudly that all she wants to be is a mom I cringe? I immediately want to dismiss it and try to talk her into being a doctor, lawyer, president, teacher, gardener, even a librarian. I don't though. I should be honored that she wants to be like me when she grows up, yet I want more for her. Which then makes me think about how I view my "job".
I love my kids and while I am not the greatest mom or wife, I try my hardest and I will fight for whatever they need. I don't get paid in money and some days I feel like I should just throw in the towel. I worry that somehow I am fucking them up for life and not sure how to fix it. When I hear my friends talk about their jobs outside of caring for their kids, I worry that I am lacking as a woman. I don't have funny stories about my co workers to share. I spend my days talking to my littles and some days don't even know how to carry on a normal conversation with my husband. What I do during the day just does not seem important enough to share. Raising kids is one of the most important jobs anyone can have, yet why do I feel like I am setting a bad example to my children? I have already caught my kids making comments to me about how I don't have a job or even the question "what have you done all day?"when they were asked to do a chore. I am always sort of taken back when they make comments like that and attempt to answer without allowing my hurt feelings to get in the way. Thankfully my husband is my biggest supporter and will get on them for their ideas about what I do.
Even though I know what I am doing is super important, I feel inadequate to the rest of the world. When I am asked what my job is and I reply mom, I actually feel embarrassed as if I just admitted to staying in bed all day watching Gilmore girls. I am going to try my hardest not to get on myself about not being anyone besides just a "mom." In actuality, I am more than that, I am a caregiver, chauffeur, shoulder to cry on, Auntie, diaper changer, puke catcher, wife, laundress, cook, baker, and sometimes maid.
So when number 4 proudly announces that she wants to be me when she grows up, I will be proud and take it as a compliment that I must be doing something right.
Just a place for my various ramblings. This started off as a blog when I shockingly discovered I was pregnant with my fourth child. It then moved onto be an outlet as I lost both of my parents.
