11/21/2009

Stress

 I have been becoming more closely in touch with this evil demon than I ever wanted to be.  I have been having what I believe to be anxiety or stress attacks. Let me tell you it is not fun. I feel like I can't take a deep enough breathe, get a sharp pain in my head, dizzy and could even feel shaky. I try deep breathing, but when you can't take a deep breath it tends to make the attack worse because then I feel as if I'm suffocating. Between the kids, house, and animals, it is all taking it's toll on my body. I just feel like I am turning into this miserable whiny person and I hate it.

With the coming holidays, my mom has been on my mind constantly. I'm approaching them with happiness and extreme sorrow because she will not be here. I need to be there and make it special for my kids, but what I would really like to do is hide under my covers in bed all day. I try to think of happier holidays with her. She loved Christmas so much and her favorite character was Santa. Last year because she was sick we didn't get to do much Christmas shopping together, but I did "shop" with her over the phone. She was at her house on the internet and I was at mine, together we shopped for people. I remember her being a perfectionist when it came to wrapping gifts. I have never seen someone get so excited over the fact that the pictures matched perfectly at the seams. LOL I had even seen her take paper off a gift and rewrap it because it didn't come out just right. I thought she was crazy, after all it would just get ripped off, but I now know it was just another way of her showing us how much she loved us and how important we were to her. She would have loved the fact that she had a new baby girl to shop for. I'm sure she would have found a beautiful dress and more than likely would have picked out a baby doll for Lauren. She truly loved giving and seeing the excited faces of her grandkids when they opened a gift.


My mom and dad Christmas 2007.