I knew when I woke up the morning of the 25th that it would be the day. I felt like something had shifted in the Earth. I can't explain it, I just knew that my mom was gone. I went to her house and saw her and even told my brother that my mom had gone to a better place and her body was just there waiting to let go. I truly felt that. I realize it sounds morbid, but that was just the feeling I got. I was at her house for 9 hours that day and we got no response out of her. It did not matter what we did, her eyes stayed closed. I think we all had a feeling that it was going to happen soon. I stayed until about 10 when my brothers finally urged me to go home and get some rest. I was so torn. Do I stay or go? My brother had said that she was waiting for something. I told him she was waiting for me to go home. So I went and gave her a kiss, told her good-bye and told her it was okay for her to go. I went home, took a shower and got into bed, shortly after midnight, my brother called to tell me she was gone. I was not surprised. I had been in between sleep and consciousness when the phone rang. In my "dream" shortly before the call I told my mom that I could not have this baby until I knew she was at peace and no longer suffering. Was I really talking to my mom? I think I might have been, maybe that was what she was waiting for. I'm sad that she never got to hold this little one, but I know that she will see him/her. We had her waked on Friday and Saturday we put her to rest. That was one of the hardest days of my life. When I went up to say my final good-bye, I kissed her head, told her I loved her and told her to give the baby lots of kisses for me before she sent her down. My mom will always be in my heart, but a piece of me died that day. I wrote a Eulogy that I was able to read at her service although I had to stop several times. I used part of one of my blogs. Here it is.
A Sonnet for My Incomparable Mother
I often contemplate my childhood, Mom.
I am a mother now, and so I know
Hard work is mixed together with the fun;
You learned that when you raised me long ago.
I think of all the things you gave to me:
Sacrifice, devotion, love and tears,
Your heart, your mind, your energy and soul--
All these you spent on me throughout the years.
You loved me with a never-failing love
You gave me strength and sweet security,
And then you did the hardest thing of all:
You let me separate and set me free.
Every day, I try my best to be
A mother like the mom you were to me.