I knew when I woke up the morning of the 25th that it would be the day. I felt like something had shifted in the Earth. I can't explain it, I just knew that my mom was gone. I went to her house and saw her and even told my brother that my mom had gone to a better place and her body was just there waiting to let go. I truly felt that. I realize it sounds morbid, but that was just the feeling I got. I was at her house for 9 hours that day and we got no response out of her. It did not matter what we did, her eyes stayed closed. I think we all had a feeling that it was going to happen soon. I stayed until about 10 when my brothers finally urged me to go home and get some rest. I was so torn. Do I stay or go? My brother had said that she was waiting for something. I told him she was waiting for me to go home. So I went and gave her a kiss, told her good-bye and told her it was okay for her to go. I went home, took a shower and got into bed, shortly after midnight, my brother called to tell me she was gone. I was not surprised. I had been in between sleep and consciousness when the phone rang. In my "dream" shortly before the call I told my mom that I could not have this baby until I knew she was at peace and no longer suffering. Was I really talking to my mom? I think I might have been, maybe that was what she was waiting for. I'm sad that she never got to hold this little one, but I know that she will see him/her. We had her waked on Friday and Saturday we put her to rest. That was one of the hardest days of my life. When I went up to say my final good-bye, I kissed her head, told her I loved her and told her to give the baby lots of kisses for me before she sent her down. My mom will always be in my heart, but a piece of me died that day. I wrote a Eulogy that I was able to read at her service although I had to stop several times. I used part of one of my blogs. Here it is.
There are so many great things I can say about my mom. She was not just my mom, but my best friend. She was a selfless woman who loved and cared for her family and friends with all of her heart and soul. She is the wife and mother that I strive to be and even if I am only half as good as she was, I will be satisfied. Of course just like her, after hearing the devastating news that the cancer had spread, she was worried not about herself, but of us. She wanted to make sure we were okay and comforted. She showed no fear of what was to come, yet it had to be there. We know that she is in a better place. A place where she doesn't have to worry about trying to take a deep breath, where she can walk without having to stop to breath. A beautiful place where she was joined by family members and pets that have passed before her. She of course will make that place a little brighter because she has arrived. As much as we will miss her, we know that she will be waiting for us just on the other side when it is our time to join her. Angels walk on the Earth everyday and my mom was one of them. God was just ready for her to come back home to him and we have been blessed that we got her for the time we did. There are many things I will miss about her, but most of all will be her voice. I spoke to my mother everyday if not a few times a day. Usually our conversations were about nothing important, it was just to hear each other’s voice. The first time she came of the ventilator, I walked into her room and she said “Hi baby.” that was the best sound that I have heard. I found a poem I would like to read for you. It is by By Joanna Fuchs
A Sonnet for My Incomparable Mother
I often contemplate my childhood, Mom.
I am a mother now, and so I know
Hard work is mixed together with the fun;
You learned that when you raised me long ago.
I think of all the things you gave to me:
Sacrifice, devotion, love and tears,
Your heart, your mind, your energy and soul--
All these you spent on me throughout the years.
You loved me with a never-failing love
You gave me strength and sweet security,
And then you did the hardest thing of all:
You let me separate and set me free.
Every day, I try my best to be
A mother like the mom you were to me.
There was an article written about my mom in the Chicago Sun-Times. Here is the link of you would like to read it. http://www.suntimes.com/news/obituaries/1500015,CST-NWS-xeaton28.article