My mom got her wings on March 26th 2009.

I knew when I woke up the morning of the 25th that it would be the day. I felt like something had shifted in the Earth. I can't explain it, I just knew that my mom was gone. I went to her house and saw her and even told my brother that my mom had gone to a better place and her body was just there waiting to let go. I truly felt that. I realize it sounds morbid, but that was just the feeling I got. I was at her house for 9 hours that day and we got no response out of her. It did not matter what we did, her eyes stayed closed. I think we all had a feeling that it was going to happen soon. I stayed until about 10 when my brothers finally urged me to go home and get some rest. I was so torn. Do I stay or go? My brother had said that she was waiting for something. I told him she was waiting for me to go home. So I went and gave her a kiss, told her good-bye and told her it was okay for her to go. I went home, took a shower and got into bed, shortly after midnight, my brother called to tell me she was gone. I was not surprised. I had been in between sleep and consciousness when the phone rang. In my "dream" shortly before the call I told my mom that I could not have this baby until I knew she was at peace and no longer suffering. Was I really talking to my mom? I think I might have been, maybe that was what she was waiting for. I'm sad that she never got to hold this little one, but I know that she will see him/her. We had her waked on Friday and Saturday we put her to rest. That was one of the hardest days of my life. When I went up to say my final good-bye, I kissed her head, told her I loved her and told her to give the baby lots of kisses for me before she sent her down. My mom will always be in my heart, but a piece of me died that day. I wrote a Eulogy that I was able to read at her service although I had to stop several times. I used part of one of my blogs. Here it is.

There are so many great things I can say about my mom. She was not just my mom, but my best friend. She was a selfless woman who loved and cared for her family and friends with all of her heart and soul. She is the wife and mother that I strive to be and even if I am only half as good as she was, I will be satisfied. Of course just like her, after hearing the devastating news that the cancer had spread, she was worried not about herself, but of us. She wanted to make sure we were okay and comforted. She showed no fear of what was to come, yet it had to be there. We know that she is in a better place. A place where she doesn't have to worry about trying to take a deep breath, where she can walk without having to stop to breath. A beautiful place where she was joined by family members and pets that have passed before her. She of course will make that place a little brighter because she has arrived. As much as we will miss her, we know that she will be waiting for us just on the other side when it is our time to join her. Angels walk on the Earth everyday and my mom was one of them. God was just ready for her to come back home to him and we have been blessed that we got her for the time we did.  There are many things I will miss about her, but most of all will be her voice. I spoke to my mother everyday if not a few times a day. Usually our conversations were about nothing important, it was just to hear each other’s voice. The first time she came of the ventilator, I walked into her room and she said “Hi baby.” that was the best sound that I have heard. I found a poem I would like to read for you. It is by By Joanna Fuchs

A Sonnet for My Incomparable Mother

I often contemplate my childhood, Mom.

I am a mother now, and so I know

Hard work is mixed together with the fun;

You learned that when you raised me long ago.

I think of all the things you gave to me:

Sacrifice, devotion, love and tears,

Your heart, your mind, your energy and soul--

All these you spent on me throughout the years.

You loved me with a never-failing love

You gave me strength and sweet security,

And then you did the hardest thing of all:

You let me separate and set me free.

Every day, I try my best to be

A mother like the mom you were to me.

There was an article written about my mom in the Chicago Sun-Times. Here is the link of you would like to read it. http://www.suntimes.com/news/obituaries/1500015,CST-NWS-xeaton28.article

Let the Dilation Begin!

Saw the doctor today, I am dilated to 2,  50% effaced, with baby head down and a soft cervix. If I don't go before 39 weeks, the doctor will induce me. I have a feeling I won't make it that long though. I also did not gain any weight, I will see her next week. 

 It is very bittersweet with everything going on with my mom. I want to have this baby so bad, but I also want to spend as much as I can with her. We brought her home yesterday and got her set up. It was so scary bringing her home knowing that there was no nurse just down the hall if something happened. It is all up to us as a family to take care of her these final days/weeks. She is where she wants to be though, in her own home surrounded by those who love her the most. 

Thank you for all of the prayers, they are truly appreciated! 

Let the fun begin..

The other night I was having regular contractions every ten minutes for about 3-4 hours. I was drinking a ton of fluid and was resting. After speaking with the doctor, I ate something small and took a warm bath. They stopped soon after that. I was relieved and disappointed all at the same time. I'm sick of being pregnant, but on the other hand, I need to prepare. Things in my life have taken a drastic turn for the worse also so technically now is not a good time for this little one to be born. 

We found out yesterday that my mom's cancer has spread to her brain. It is affecting the left side of her body. She has little to no movement in her arm, she can't hear out of that side and her vision is distorted. There is nothing that can be done anymore, but to make sure she is comfortable. We will bring her home hopefully by next Friday to take care of her and help her to live out the last weeks that she has.  I'm just kind of numb and still trying to process right now. I keep feeling like I am going to wake up from this awful nightmare, yet it just continues. I feel so bad for my kids. They will never know the wonderful woman I knew growing up. Life just isn't fair sometimes, but I know that it is not in our hands. At the beginning of this pregnancy, I was shocked and worried to say the least. I now realize that God gave me this precious gift to help me cope with my mom' s failing health and her ultimate death. He knows that to lose her would completely devastate me and possibly make me lose my mind, but with a new little one to care for, to pour all my heart and soul into, it might help numb that pain that I will feel all too soon. I know that is a lot to put on a baby, but I truly believe this was the way God planned it to be. My mom is the woman and mother that I strive to be. If I am half of what she is then I will be happy. Of course just like her, after hearing the devastating news yesterday, she was worried not about herself, but of us. She wants to make sure we are okay and comforted. She shows no fear of what is to come, yet it has to be there. We know that she will go to a better place. A place where she doesn't have to worry about trying to take a deep breath, where she can walk without having to stop to breath. A beautiful place where she will be joined by family members and pets that have passed before her. She of course will make that place a little brighter because she has arrived. As much as we will miss her, we know that she will be waiting for us just on the other side when it is our time to join her. Angels walk on the Earth everyday and my mom is one. God is just ready for her to come back home to him and we have to be blessed that we got her for the time we did. 

Hey there! Did you miss me?

Or should I ask if you even knew I was gone? Things have been well, hectic, although that doesn't really encompass all that has been going on in my life. My mom, my best friend, the person who I speak to on a daily basis has been very ill. She was rushed to the hospital on February 20th and has been there ever since. She has been diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer and the prognosis is not good. She already had COPD and Emphysema so her lungs were shot to begin with. I have been coping as well as I can. I feel like I am on the never ending roller coaster. Just when things start to look hopeful, she has a set back. She has had to be intubated twice and the doctors are now considering a tracheotomy.  I used to pray to God to save her because I want her around forever. Now though, I just pray to God that he makes the right decision for HER. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want her to be miserable either. She is a tough fighter and not giving up. She obviously has more things to do in this life because she has been on his doorstep a few times and he has sent her back home. She is looking forward to having a new grand baby to cuddle and love. I have a feeling I will be bringing this little one to the hospital to meet his/her grandmother, but at least they will meet.

I have about 4 weeks or less to go and I myself can not believe how fast time has flown by. I guess a lot of that has to do with the fact that my mom has been in and out of the hospital since September so I haven't really had a ton of time to think about it. I was just thinking the other day that I started my pregnancy years with a parent with cancer (my father was diagnosed with esophageal cancer when I was pregnant with my first) and now I will end my pregnancy years with a parent with cancer. They say God doesn't give you what you can't handle. Well, apparently he has a lot more confidence in me than I do. Besides the stress with my mom, my son has behavior issues and we are dealing with that. We also are no way close to being ready for this baby. Thanks to some wonderful friends, we have some already prepared meals. I did one load of baby clothes and have packed my hospital bag. Outside of that, things are at a stand still. I am just worn out physically and mentally and just don't have it in me to do much more than what is necessary. 

I saw my doctor this week and she put me on Zoloft for depression. She gave me a screening for depression and I apparently scored a little high. In the past I have been against meds for depression, bu t I realize that this time around  I need a little bit more help. To date I have gained ten pounds. We'll see how much more I gain by the end. I see the doctor again next week and every week until I deliver. I hope my little bundle of joy will show her/his mommy some mercy and come just a little bit early. I am already waddling and forget getting out of bed in the morning, that is a feat in itself. LOL I'll include the latest belly picture and some baby info. 

 Man do I look huge! It isn't me, it is the computer camera and my husband's sweatshirt making me look like that. 

Your baby is still packing on the pounds — at the rate of about an ounce a day. She now weighs almost 6 pounds and is more than 18 1/2 inches long. She's shedding most of the downy covering of hair that covered her body as well as the vernix caseosa, the waxy substance that covered and protected her skin during her nine-month amniotic bath. Your baby swallows both of these substances, along with other secretions, resulting in a blackish mixture, called meconium, will form the contents of her first bowel movement. At the end of this week, your baby will be considered full-term. (Full-term is 37 to 42 weeks; babies born before 37 weeks are pre-term and those born after 42 are post-term.) Most likely she's in a head-down position. But if she isn't, your practitioner may suggest scheduling an "external cephalic version," which is a fancy way of saying she'll try to coax your baby into a head-down position by manipulating her from the outside of your belly.